Grasping at Straws

My sister gave birth two nights ago. 4 minutes into Halloween. I was so happy and then so sad.

Two times have I been pregnant in the last 3 years and both times I lost the baby and my sister had a baby. I am of course not begrudging my sister her healthy children. I am sincerely happy for her and I delight in my niece and surely will in my new nephew. But I am so so sad for myself. What makes is it worse is having people all over say things that make me feel guilty for my sadness. 

I know it is selfish.

I know I already have two children

Thank you Captain Insensitive. 

Yesterday I just could not stop crying. Every moment I had to myself I would start weeping.

This sent me into a frenzy of "I have to DO something! I have to plan something! I have to talk to my doctor and schedule something!" This passive - taking a new pill for six months and seeing what happens - thing is hard. It is very difficult for me to be patient when I have already been waiting for so damn long.

There was some small part of me, the part still grasping at straws trying to understand why I miscarried, trying to find a reason. This part concocted this idea that because I myself am a doula and I am the big sister that I had to be baby free to help my sister through her birth. So at the last minute when things got crazy and events aligned to make it so I could not be at her side, that last straw turned to dust in my hand.