Grapefruits or Methadone

I often try to think of other things I can cut out of my diet to make me more healthy. I could easily just add exercise and I wouldn't have to cut anything but of course I HATE exercising. Every nutritionist type person always has a different idea of what I need to do and all of them sound impossible.

In the last 10 years I have cut out:

Fast food. It now makes me ill to eat it.

95% of the soda I used to drink and now even the %5 that is left is natural soda made with sugar cane and free of dyes and shit.

I've reduced the amount of red meat.

I've greatly reduced the amount of mayo and dressings.

I've traded much of the frozen processed  microwaved veggies I grew up on for fresh. Steamed.

I've started eating: onions, kale, mushrooms, peppers, hummus, squash, olives, and garlic.

I've traded white rice for brown

white potatoes for sweet

white pasta for rice or whole wheat

white bread for whole grain.

and have added Quinoa, millet, couscous, orzo and beans and I don't eat them often anyway and they're certainly not the main part of any meal.

My sandwiches and burgers only get half a bun if any 

I cook with better oils and less oil

I don't use margarine

I don't use artificial sweeteners.

I eat 2 organic eggs nearly every day.

I hardly drink juice

I hardly eat chips or crackers

I cut out almost all milk

I eat yogurt often.

I make entire meals out of salads

dessert out of a grapefruit.

I eat maybe half my bagel at our weekly bagel breakfasts and often eat less than my young children in a day.

Every dinner has veggies

Every meal has protein and so do most snacks.

I hardly ever eat candy.

In all this time and with all these changes I've just gotten fatter and more tired. Moodier and less fertile.

WTF

I am beginning to think the key to fertility is a steady diet of McDonalds, soda, and Meth. Those bitches have no problem getting knocked up.

Grasping at Straws

My sister gave birth two nights ago. 4 minutes into Halloween. I was so happy and then so sad.

Two times have I been pregnant in the last 3 years and both times I lost the baby and my sister had a baby. I am of course not begrudging my sister her healthy children. I am sincerely happy for her and I delight in my niece and surely will in my new nephew. But I am so so sad for myself. What makes is it worse is having people all over say things that make me feel guilty for my sadness. 

I know it is selfish.

I know I already have two children

Thank you Captain Insensitive. 

Yesterday I just could not stop crying. Every moment I had to myself I would start weeping.

This sent me into a frenzy of "I have to DO something! I have to plan something! I have to talk to my doctor and schedule something!" This passive - taking a new pill for six months and seeing what happens - thing is hard. It is very difficult for me to be patient when I have already been waiting for so damn long.

There was some small part of me, the part still grasping at straws trying to understand why I miscarried, trying to find a reason. This part concocted this idea that because I myself am a doula and I am the big sister that I had to be baby free to help my sister through her birth. So at the last minute when things got crazy and events aligned to make it so I could not be at her side, that last straw turned to dust in my hand.