I am Jewish.
When I say that - I mean it like someone else would say they're Italian or Irish. I have not been religiously Jewish since I was 12 and have never, no matter what my orthodox relatives believe, ever been spiritually Jewish. Against the hopes of my grandmother I have only moved further away from Judaism and more jaded towards its teachings and followers as I have gotten older and learned more.
The most recent thing pissing me off - which is actually a revisiting of what I experienced while preggers with my first child - is the Jewish belief in something called a Kinna Hurra or according to the website www.haydid.org
Ken Ayin Hara (Yiddish, Kinna Hurra) - Literally: May there be no evil eye.
I always heard it growing up "Don't say that, it will be a Kinna Hurra" or other variations. I think maybe they were using it backwards. Saying Kinna Hurra is like saying "knock on wood" This should be no problem for me as I have a Hamsa Hand tatooed on my back. Viola! Permanent, portable, protection from the evil eye!
Anyway, where this becomes a problem for me is in regards to Baby Showers.
What? How? are these things even related? you might ask... I shall explain.
In my family we don't have Baby Showers. - It's a Kinna Hurra. We don't name the baby before it's born - It's a Kinna Hurra. We don't keep anything having to do with the baby in the house - It's a Kinna Hurra.
Apparently Jewish women are not allowed to "nest". Thats ok, we can't eat ribs or touch our own religious texts either.
I suppose being a part of a culture that is hated and persecuted wherever they go can make a person a bit of a "negative Nancy". Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Always preparing for the worst and hoping for....something less than worst. I know I struggle with not being that way every day and I often lose.
But when you are expecting a baby, especially your first, to be robbed of your biological and evolutionary need to prepare for this massive, non-refundable, change in your life is cruel! Baby Showers, as ridiculous as they have become, serve a purpose. Not showering the mother with more onesies than she will ever use and more baby holding devices than anyone would ever need but a psychological purpose. Women coming together to celebrate a rite of passage for one of their own. Mothers, Grandmothers, Aunts, Sisters, and Friends gathering to support this Maiden - who is transitioning to Mother. Women do not get to gather in this way very often. Not like we did in all cultures throughout antiquity. In the US each woman is in charge of her own little village and what used to take the work of many is now expected to be done by one - with a smile. Often, we need so much help with our newborns because we've never been around one before. That sort of gap in mother-wisdom has never existed before modern times. Ask your grandmother if she ever read a "parenting book".
This idea that talking about the baby, setting up a nursery, knitting a blanket for the baby, buying some cute outfit, or talking out loud about names is somehow going to cause the pregnancy to end is ridiculous, antiquated, simple(minded), wrong.
Women need to prepare. Doing these things, as mundane as some of them may seem, helps to psychologically prepare her for what is to come. Being surrounded and supported by the women closest to her gives a mom-to-be strength and reminds her that all of these women have done it and survived and she can do it too. Thinking happy loving thoughts about holding your baby wrapped up that 100% organic fair trade blanket with owls on it that you just had to have (for $40) IS GOOD FOR YOU. Painting a nursery in sage green no-vox paint is making a space not only in your house but in your mind. Putting together that crib in 10 minutes after "dad" has spent hours working on it is a way of psychologically and spiritually making a place for your baby in your life. And, having a party with pink (or blue) chocolate lollipops and a cute bib making table is a way of not only gifting the mom-to-be with all the trappings of a baby, but showering her with your love, wisdom, support, solidarity, and the understanding that can only come from someone who has walked the same path you are about to travel.
So a big ole THANKS goes out to my Shiksa friends who in 2006 made me a baby shower after my family refused. Another big Thanks goes out to my little sister's friends in Boston far away who are doing the same for her. And a big ball of WRATH to my cafeteria style Jewish family (whom I mostly love and adore) for forcing this situation to happen so that I can't be at my own sister's Baby Shower.
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| Me walking in to what I thought was a party for my friend Brian, at his house, on his birthday, carrying the cake I thought we made for him. Thanks again Bri! |
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| The "decorations". A baby-clothes-line :-) Some of the cutest and funniest stuff ever. |
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| The Phantom "Shiksa" Shower Makers of '06 |
