97.7

97.7

That was my basil body temperature this morning.

I wanted it to say 98.5 or 98.7 even a 98.3 would have been acceptable. But, as has happened for the last several months my body has betrayed me once again. I am NOT pregnant.

For anyone who hasn't struggled to have a baby....well fuck you....but more importantly I should explain that what these numbers tell me is that my temperature has dropped which means my progesterone level has dropped which means my Moon (re: period) is coming. Also coming are the recurring feelings of loss, sadness, guilt, and questions that continue to go unanswered. The empty space where my baby should be. WHY? Why baby? Why won't you come to me? Its been over four years of waiting, wishing, hoping, and trying to get you to incarnate and still you don't come. Why? You are already loved, all you have to do is take advantage of one of these albeit not-so-ample opportunities to come. 

Why not-so-ample?

I have something called hypothyroidism
I also have something called PCOS (Poly-cystic Ovaries)
Combine those together with probable estrogen dominance and I am a soup of something called secondary infertility. That means someone who already has had a child but is having difficulty having another. I do not often ovulate. No egg = no baby. In fact the more I learn about my body the more I realize that the conception and successful gestation of my son (now almost 5) was a complete miracle.


Maybe thats the problem. Maybe we only get one miracle.

And yes, I have two beautiful, healthy children.

Every well intentioned (re: person who has NO idea what this feels like) person reminds me of that fact as if I don't know it. Of course I fucking know that! Of course I am grateful for them. What these well intentioned people don't understand is that it doesn't matter. Each cycle I mourn the loss of the unborn. The child(ren) I know in my heart I am meant to have. Imagine having a child but the child lives on the moon. You can't see them, you can't hold them, you can't be with them, but you know they are there. Imagine that pain and that longing....THAT is what it is like.

All I've ever wanted was to be a mother. A mother of a large brood. To me large is 4 or 5. So reminding me I have 2 doesn't help. 2 that were difficult to come by on their own. 2 may be fine for you. Perhaps 1 is fine for you and you knew you were done and didn't want anymore. Perhaps you have other aspirations, a career, or money to experience things and see the world and you had your 2 kids and now its on to those other things. I feel like my life is on hold waiting for the next child. Like a promotion that always seems just around the corner but leaves you locked in your place for years. Thats where I am. Middle management. But like a ballplayer my years are limited. I've already crossed the line. Any child conceived at this point will be born after I turn 35. No big deal you might say. Its a big fuckin deal to me. 

When we started TTC (trying to conceive) over 4 years ago when our son was about 6 months old people told me I was crazy to rush, I was young, and had plenty of time.

Guess what people! - 4 years later and what do I have to show for it? Two miscarriages and a reproductive system of someone 10 years older than I am.

And now when I talk to doctors what do I hear? "Well, you know, after 35 its much more difficult to conceive." FUCK YOU this has been going on for 4 FUCKING YEARS. What would have been your excuse when I was 29, 30, or 31?

But now I'm 34 1/2.

And I still want my baby.

And I'm pretty much out of options.
And I'm completely out of ideas.
And I'm tired of swallowing pills
And drinking nasty tinctures
And getting transvaginally wanded every few days
And getting blood drawn even more often
And of taking my temperature
And of charting my "mucous"
And of timing sex
And of trying to fall asleep with a wedge under my ass
And of peeing on sticks that never give me the answer I'm hoping for
And of being told "just stop trying and it'll happen" FUCK YOU its been 4 fucking years! What do you mean stop trying. Stop taking all the herbs and tinctures? Stop taking my temperature and monitoring fluids? Guess what? I have PCOS - I have to do all this shit anyway just to ovulate! But yes! Lets take away the dangling carrot of pregnancy. That will make all those pills way easier to swallow both literally and figuratively.

Not for me.

I want to revel in my Moon. I want to drink wine with my advil, eat as much chocolate as I want and lay around and read. Take care of me. I want to raise my daughter to respect it not hate it the way I did. And its hard to set that example. I've always had a rough Moon. The pain is extreme, the symptoms are many, and flow is heavy. And I hate it. Not because of what it is but because of what it isn't. It's not my baby. It is the warm rich place my child should be growing in. It is the safe cocoon that bridges heaven and earth. And it's flowing out of my body once again.