Advice Column: What to Wear to Your Divorce

And other nonsensical things I've distracted myself with to trick my mind into getting in the car and actually showing up at the mediator.

What happened?! You two looked so happy!

We were. Occasionally. Mostly we were housemates. Friends who increasingly disliked each other. We loved each other out of familiarity, habit, a shared life, a shared prioritizing of the two little beings we had created, a memory of love. That sustained us for a very long time. But "happy", or "in" love...I don't know how far back we'd have to go to say we really felt that way. 

Our relationship struggled and ultimately broke under the weight of years of multiple serious ongoing problems. Problems that two other people with different personalities and different baggage might have handled better. Or worse. Some people's instinct is to band together during times of stress. Some people's instinct is to handle it on their own. That gets more difficult when each of you is conditioned towards the opposite.

I've had nearly a year to process, rant, regret, mourn, and though I'm certain I'm not done I am not going to use this as any kind of platform to rip my soon to be ex-husband apart. He is and has done many things which have hurt me but he could say the same about me. None of it was done intentionally. We did once love each other so much that we chose to be with each other above all others. We got together very young and grew apart. We cut our teeth on each other. I can't speak for him but for me the difficult marriage and emotional (we've still been living together this whole last year) separation has honed an understanding of who I am and what I want that I just didn't have when I was 25. Or even 35. It's also transformed my understanding of him.

I don't hate him. The venom I spewed when I felt trapped with him in my miserable life is gone. In fact I believe I understand him and his motivations better now than I did through all the years of our marriage. Especially the last couple of years when I felt like I was living with a stranger. He's a good man. He's got a shit ton of issues - but who doesn't?! Letting go emotionally gave me much needed perspective. Maybe for some people that would even have been enough to convince them to stay and try more or harder but it did the opposite for me. Helped me realize just how mismatched we were and that in the end we didn't want to be the people we would have to pretend to be to stay with each other.

We were like two puzzle pieces that really wanted to fit together. We never did but we bent and smushed our edges to fit ourselves together in dim light pretending we didn't notice the different colors we were painted with. Over time it grew more and more uncomfortable. Over time the light changed and the differences became impossible to ignore. In the year before we called it quits we'd gotten to the point where we didn't enjoy each other anymore. We didn't want to hang out with the same people, we didn't want to watch the same shows. We didn't laugh at or value the same things anymore. Our dreams for the future were no longer the same.

He would say it's for certain reasons and I will say it's for others. Stretching back in time trying to find the source of when the breakdown started. We actually kind of agree on when that was. (Sadly, a really long time ago) He blames my actions. I blame his inactions. Really it doesn't matter. I've seen couples survive far more when the love and desire to be together is stronger than the pain inflicted. 

I never believed in one true love, or one soulmate, (I think we have many but that's another blog post entirely) . It would be nice to be with one person your whole life, comforting,  if that is what you both want and sure that's what we hoped for when we got married but intellectually and from everything I know psychologically and anthropologically it just doesn't make any sense.

I've been in a marriage by myself for many years. I was in conversation after conversation by myself. I was in couples therapy by myself. I was at social gatherings by myself. I was in bed by myself. I was alone - in a marriage. Possibly one of the most lonely types of alone. Untouched in both body and soul. Begging for attention. Crying out for affection. Compromising and making myself smaller and smaller in attempts to comfort coax and assuage then resenting him for it all.

At the end of the day he is a good man and a loving father. We came together, made two incredible children together, and maybe romantically that was all there was ever supposed to be. We are still linked through our children and our future grandchildren for ever. As soulmates go I know I could do a lot worse. Things suck right now. There is no other word for it. But they won't someday. 

Mediation is near conclusion. Both of us are kind of fucked though financially he will be fine in a couple of years. I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to do or how. I'm trying to keep as much the same for the kids and have been fortunate to have the guidance of my family (who are the poster children for functional divorces). Keeping the house going on my own is going to be struggle. Finding a way to support myself and this new baby is daunting. I sound strong but that is only because I have a wide variety of support around me to draw from. I also cry intermittently throughout the day like a release valve. But I keep going.