I NEED people to VALIDATE my CHOICES as a parent!

That title is not about me.

I don't give a shit what you think about my parenting choices. (well, thats a work in progress really but thats what I aim for and I'm doing pretty well)

A couple of friends who I love and admire and have lovely children have apparently been upset by this article. I appreciated the British Nanny's perspective because to me it was even handed and reasonable. Their upset was shared by a mother who wrote a response to the Nanny article. In my opinion the author is 1) totally missing the point, 2) inventing new ones that were never intended and then 3) blowing them out of proportion. An awesome combination!

Poofskichuuaooooooor!!!!

The author makes a great deal of assumptions and is nitpicking the original article to make it sound ridiculous. Which of course she would do because it helps her sound reasonable. 

And she doesn't. 

She sounds like 50 other other articles written by mothers who have made keeping little Susie or Johnny "happy" their main goal in life and does everything in their power to make sure nothing ever upsets them. I am highly emotionally connected to my children and them to me. It doesn't mean I let them walk all over me. You think you're children don't? Well since you're so interested in having your parenting publicly validated allow me...as one of the public...to tell you - they are!

The original nanny article expounded on five points which the irritated mom article found fault and drew extreme conclusions from.

• We are afraid of our kids
• We've lowered the bar for their behavior
• We've lost the village of people who could keep them in check
• We rely too much on shortcuts
• We put kid's needs in front of our own

How many people do you know who are raising little terrorists. Little dictators. Yes the onesie was cute. Its not so cute anymore. We do expect less of children. Think about in times past when children worked at 6 years old. Were taught to hunt or farm or make bullet casings (thanks Shindler's List). I'm NOT saying those were good times or that we should revisit them. I'm pointing it out because that is what children are capable of. And you're telling me that if you yell or say NO or "BECAUSE I SAID SO" at little Johnny because he feels strongly that he NEEDS ALL OF THE STRAWBERRIES RIGHT NOW that you are causing life long damage and perpetuating the creation of a cruel horrible world? If you think my analogy is ridiculous and extreme understand that that is how ridiculous the mom author's analogies are to me.

I'm tired of parents parenting to heal their own wounds! It was 30 years ago! get over it! You won't make that same mistake - rest assured - you'll find new and better ways to fuck up your kids! In fact our generation is a walking study of how outside influences cannot "make" us happy. We were raised by the most selfish self-serving generation - ever (though I have not spoken with anyone responsible for the downfall of the roman empire I'm pretty sure it started with hippies too). If they couldn't make us be happy, no one can.

For the sake of argument and to continue with both authors obvious favorite (and silly) metaphor - I let my toddlers pick their own sippy cups and now at nearly 6 and 8 they still go into hysterics when they don't get the one they want. They did't gradually learn to manage their feelings they learned they can get what they want if they parrot back the words I said to them. (I've been present while so many kids do this to their parents and their parents fall for it every fucking time and think their kid gets it. Sure, he gets it. He gets to play you sucker!)

Notice I didn't say my kids "get what they want if they throw a tantrum", because in my house that gets you nothing but time to calm down and then have a talk. If that doesn't work you get angry mommy and time staring at the wall while mommy calms down. The talk is NOT about why they wanted the thing they wanted or how it made them feel to be denied the thing they wanted or how it made mommy feel when they screamed and cried.  

Yes children are sponges but they are also resilient and stronger than we think. 2yos cannot understand sympathy. You can't reason with them. They don't understand respect or boundaries. Even if you model it for them 1000 times. They may copy but they don't understand.

We've instituted the old camp special "you get what you get and you don't get upset". They get choice where I can offer it and no choice when it suits my needs as a parent and that is just the way it is....kind of like real life. Sometimes there is choice and sometimes those shoes only come in black. No amount of crying, wishing, patience, or non-violent communication skills will make them come in red. 

Theres no place like happy hour. 

I am gentle and permissive where I can be and stern and strict where I must be. My line for where that is is of course going to be different than everyone else's but (and this is key) the combination of parent/kid/parenting style is why I CAN go to public places without meltdowns. I CAN eat out with my kids without tantrums or iPads. Its not because I've got "amazing kids" (although I do happen to have amazing kids) or because I have some mystical parenting magic. I just parent by one rule...

Don't be an asshole! 

That goes for them and me. If you're going to persist in acting like an asshole then I am going to come down on you like a ton of bricks because that shit is NOT ok. Millions of children before you learned that at 4 or 5 or 6 and so can you.

Fly my darlings, be creative, and brilliant, and wonder at the world, and love all the creatures in it....just don't be an asshole! What I have experienced a whole lot from families who parent similarly to this author is a lot of little assholes. I am fearful of a future where my children, as adults, are surrounded by a generation that feels entitled to that (insert adult version of a sippy cup here). They will try to walk all over my children - who I am trying to raise to be fair and equitable for the benefit of all (because thats easy to explain) But how can that compete with children who are being raised to believe that their momentary desires are of paramount importance. That their feelings trump facts. That they're "special". (Sorry Susie, we're all special). 

And before any of my friends who may read this think I"m talking about about them and their precious angels and get their panties in a bunch know this: I am.

Nah I"m just kidding. I have a tendency to not keep my thoughts to myself so you'd know if I felt this way about your kids by our lack of....hanging out with your kids - ever. 

Seriously people. All this back and forth mommy wars stuff is like high school.

Your desperate need to for public validation is proof that you are afraid you're doing something wrong. If you were sure of yourself you wouldn't constantly seek agreement from others or continue to get in such an uproar any time someone puts forth an idea that is different from yours. Stop it! If you're so certain you're doing the right thing stop trying to prove its the right thing! Own that shit!

If you still need validation I'm pretty sure I've got a trophy for participation around here somewhere.