Pondering Martin Niemoller

I've tried and failed and now I"m trying again to live this mantra.

I'm going through an emotionally tumultuous time.

I've been housebound for a month with only short trips outside of the house for necessities or work and a couple of social obligations I probably should have skipped due to the illness surrounding my family. 

My only window to the outside world has been FB, fractured and moldy though that window may be.

My family's illnesses (see previous post) which included both the Flu and Chicken Pox arrived during a time of mass hysteria over an ineffective Flu vaccine and a measles outbreak in California. FB was lit up with humanity showing its worst traits. Ignorance, Paranoia, & Cruelty.

I am not writing this blog post in the hopes that someone will read it and change their mind. I am not writing this blog post in the hopes that one of my family members or friends will read it and begin to understand why I was so upset. I honestly have no hope of either of those things happening and that saddens me even more.

I am still formulating my thoughts on this whole episode but there are so many I want to begin chronicling them or else I will forget - as I often do - when the hurt goes away because I don't like to hold on to wounds. 

So let me start with as brief a synopsis as I can of the past 9 years.

We had children . We didn't vaccinate them. <cue angry mob>

My son just asked if this was a picture of zombies.
Out of the mouths of babes...

At first our thinking was: This bears further research. Given where we lived and what our lifestyle was like (i.e.: no daycare, no travel outside the country) there was a far greater risk of a vaccine reaction than of actually coming in to contact with any vaccine preventable diseases. We agreed to become more educated and re-evaluate when it was time for school when that balance would, we thought, shift.

As the years went by I became increasingly educated in birth, birth culture from around the world and just how seriously awful our medical "care" is for pregnant and birthing women. Also, faced with my own health problems caused largely in part by a lifetime of bad medical advice, I'd seen many many doctors spanning several specializations and each one was a bigger asshole/moron than the one before. I'd learned that doctors are just people. Some are good, some are not. A medical degree means only that they were able to get through medical school by memorizing a bunch of things someone else discovered and regurgitating them back. I'd learned that because my health issues did not neatly fit into one of their previously memorized courses of treatment - they couldn't help me. I'd learned to become my own doctor. These experiences called ALL of modern western medicine into question. How could I be expected to trust our health to a morally bankrupt system which perpetuates the myth that they are infallible when I knew it was wrought with misinformation and willful ignorance?

At this point...

• I know vaccines do prevent some deadly diseases but they also cause chronic illnesses related to a lack of autoimmune response at a far greater rate than the chance that my children would be exposed to said deadly diseases. Look it up yourself. 
• I've been told that vaccines in the US do not cause autism. Amazing really that only american children are safe from such a thing (google Valentino Bocca). How lucky we are. (that was sarcasm) But all vaccines can cause encephalitis and encephalitis causes autism. so... yeah. 
• I know that the barrier protecting the brain is not fully formed at birth or in childhood therefore the same substances which would not cause harm to an adult brain can cause harm to a child's so we would avoid a lot of this if we would just wait until kids were older. 
• As the list of vaccines grows longer and the rules become stricter states like NY which force parents to choose between all or nothing will have a higher rate of unvaccinated kids. 
• we view this not as a choice. Our hand has been forced. If given the "choice" between all or nothing and with the mountains of evidence that we have at our fingertips informing us without room for argument or doubt that OUR children have an astronomically higher chance of suffering some form of vaccine reaction than they do of contracting (not dying from, just even catching it) the disease for which the vaccine is being given - we will not be vaccinating. 

Doctors

Its not difficult to be your own doctor now that we have the internet. I am sure doctors cringe at my saying that but I have access to the same medical studies and journals they do. I have access to medical dictionaries to teach me the terms I don't understand - just like they do. What makes me a better "doctor" for my family is that I actually care about them. I take more than a rushed 10 minute (billable for $400) visit to diagnose them. I know what works for them and what doesn't because I look at the whole person. I have an open mind and will do whatever I can to help us be healthy. I am not limited by my own knowledge and experience as I have found nearly all doctors to be. 

Are there good doctors out there? Yes! Are doctors helpful to a lot of people - yes! Absolutely. And if doctors have saved your life or vastly improved it then I applaud them and you and the fact that you have a situation they have the answer to. If I needed a lung transplant I would like a doctor to perform it. That is what they specialize in. Slicing into the human body. They pretty much suck at everything else. I don't understand why so many misanthropes become doctors and nurses. Did you hate people before you went to medical school or have the years of actually having to help people before the checks clear from the insurance company turn you into the cold callous clueless "care" provider you are today?

If doctors AND EVERYONE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER really wanted to make changes they would lobby the vaccine manufacturers to discontinue bundling the vaccines. That way parents could gradually do one vaccine at a time which is safer. They would also reverse the direction the lawmakers are going making vaccines selectable instead of all or nothing. Removing exemptions forces parents to have to get a medical exemption (nearly impossible) or making a religious exemption. Your religion cannot be for some vaccines and not others. Therefore it is an all or nothing deal.

Why I listen to other parents and you should listen to me

I read, I read, and I read some more. The more educated I became the more insane vaccines sounded. The more I learned about other people's sad tales, the drug company funded studies, the lawsuits in other countries where the manufacturers can be held liable for destroying lives the more I erred on the side of caution. Caution = no vaccines. 

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain

I've read books by doctors on both sides of the "debate".  I've read countless articles, studies, lawsuits, and yes I have even read some very well researched blog posts. "Blog posts don't count!" they say, pitchforks raised high. "Any idiot can write a blog post!" Yes, many idiots do. Do you know why these blog posts count? Because they are written by other parents like me who have been forced to become their family's doctor because doctors have failed them. They are written by the parents of vaccine damaged children. They are written by the soldiers on the ground whose perspective on the war is more informed than the policy makers. If this were a militarized war, a "real" war, many of the same critics of the Pro-Information crowd would be arguing in defense of blog posts and articles written by the very people embroiled in the fight. They would be championing whistleblowers. They would be criminalizing the media, and government agencies who deceive and coerce us. But where vaccines are concerned those same citizens march in lock step with the very organizations they would normally hold suspect, and vilify the people shining a light on reason. Moreover, Pro Information parents are in the position of having to defend their positions. So their "blog posts" are cited and they link to the most surprising (NOT) places. The CDC, the WHO, NIH. They are merely reading the readily available science and data and informing people about it. How dare they!

Science

Vaccine Enthusiasts scream "SCIENCE" as though that one word will silence any opposition.   Science has become the new religion and anyone who questions its unimpeachable rightness is condemned. Torquemada is laughing in his grave.

The thing about science, the thing that differs from religion, is that science changes with new information. Science...excuse me... good science! admits it when it is wrong. Science seeks above all else to know the truth. It does not adhere to antiquated information just for the sake of looking like it always has the answers. 

SCIENCE is exactly what I'm looking at. It is what I am reading. MATHEMATICS is what I use to determine the risk to my children and the public. It is what I use to make my extremely well researched and reasoned decisions. If you are such a proponent of SCIENCE you would be open to the possibility that you are wrong or at least being lied to. Absolutism is for religion. 

Being Pro Information is not being Anti Vaccine

You've perhaps noticed that I refer to people who do not want to inject their children with neurotoxins   "Pro Information". I do that for two reasons.

1. Anti-Vaxxer or any similar derivation was coined by the Pro Vaccine crowd. Most of us are not anti vaccines. We would love for vaccines to work, the way they are supposed to, with no negative side effects. I am not an anti-vaxxer. 
2. I want information. Truthful factual unbiased information and the right to make an informed decision for my family based on that information.

You've perhaps also noticed that I frequently refer to pro vaccine people as Vaccine Enthusiasts. Like a sports enthusiast, or an Elvis enthusiast. This I do because the majority of outspoken vaccine proponents can best be described in that way. They have an fanatical fervor for all things vaccine, an unquestioning devotion to the drug pushers, and a violent reaction to any dissenters. 

If I am supposedly a part of the "Anti-Vaccination" movement. (This is so totally not a movement. If you want proof that this is not at all a movement just click here. Friend speaks my mind). Then I feel it is my duty to call my "opposition" what they are: Vaccine Enthusiasts. Logo, Mascot, and franchising opportunities will be forthcoming.

You may be wondering how I"m going to point this lengthy blog post back in the direction of its title. Here goes...

Being Jewish-ish and the perspective it lends.

I was raised Jewish-ish. Jewish-ish is defined (by me alone) as being descended from Jewish people but growing up in a time, place, and family, where 99% of the religion and %100 of the spirituality is missing. We eat some traditional (going back a whole 3 hundreds years and only considered traditional to Jewish people who lived for a while in eastern Europe) foods and my grandmother waves her hands over some candles every Friday evening during which she prays to her ancestors to protect all of us. (But I"m the witch). Jewish-ish is being able to get all the Jew jokes on TV,  eating Chinese food on Christmas day, and "never forgetting" the holocaust but driving a German made status car. Jewish-ish is extremely hypocritical.

The thing is, no matter how not Jewish I and my children are we would still be carted away to Aushwitz. I come from a persecuted people. No matter the continent, no matter the age, Jews have persecution down to an art form.

So when I see day after day on FB a newsfeed glutted with angry, ignorant, flaw filled, posts condemning "Anti Vaxxers" for every human ill - I get a wee bit sensitive. When these things are being posted by friends and family (and i"m not talking about some girl I went to elementary school with I"m talking about people who I love. People I see regularly. People I entrust with the safety of my children!) shit got serious for me and fast.

It also may have become apparent that I refer to "we" throughout this post. That is because my husband made these decisions with me. I may be known for flying off the handle, or being a bitch, (or many other things women get saddled with when the same response in a man is considered forthright, or assertive) but my husband is not. I was angry with him for not backing me up publicly ANYWHERE, and for making his one or two small insertions into the debate in favor of the opposition. This amounted to "liking" a "anti-vaxxers are fucking retards" meme our friend posted and "liking" a comment made by a family member who is in favor of compulsory vaccinations.  

Liking things on FB?! you're upset with your husband for liking things on FB? Don't be THAT wife!

The point isn't that he "liked" those things. I was upset because he left me out on my own in the storm. I was upset because he didn't "like" a single thing I posted or commented on. He didn't stand up for us. He ignored the topic and shit storm entirely. Except for those two things. How does that look?

What I tried (and failed) to explain to him was that those memes, those people, the ones who say parents who don't vaccinate their children are stupid / assholes / should have their children taken away / should be put in jail / should be fined / should have their children taken and forcibly injected, THEY"RE TALKING ABOUT ME. About us.  My family is overbearing. His is silent. Our ways of dealing with things could not be more opposed.

I am used to forging my own path.  I am no stranger to taking the road less traveled be it the high road or low.  I do these things because after careful consideration I conclude that it is the best way. Not the easiest, cheapest, socially accepted way. I"m used to being "that guy" and I'm used to taking a certain amount of heat for it. I am used to speaking up. I am used to saying what other people are thinking. As a daughter of a continually persecuted people I can tell you with absolute certainty that YOUR SILENCE DOES NOT PROTECT YOU. 

My issue, my anger and upset is not really about vaccines. Though I definitely want full disclosure for all families I believe that what you choose to do with your children is your right. I simply want the same respect.  My real upset, the emotions that made me take a leave of absence from FB, the reason I am writing this post, began and grew with the increasing number of calls for mandated compulsory vaccination.

COMPULSORY: Mandated, required by law. Kind of like one of these...

This is in direct violation of civil and human rights.

My upset is nothing less than the overwhelming realization that people who I love and trust are "not" that guy. You would not shelter me and my children if the geshtapo came to the door. You are the angry mob. You would throw us under the bus for your own comfort let alone your own safety. 

I am reeling from the realization that people who claim to love my children would see them held down and pumped full of known toxins. Reeling to point of not speaking to you anymore. Because I can't walk around with that level of hypocrisy on my mind. To recite pleasantries and attend birthday parties and pretend that I don't know you are no better than the German citizens who closed their eyes to the atrocities or worse, supported them because their government and media told them who was to blame for all their woes. And by the way people. If you have not kept current with the government's suggested adult vaccine schedule then you completely lose your right to a voice in this conversation. If vaccines are so fucking important to you you should be out there getting stuck with every needle Big Pharma has to offer before you come knocking on my door trying to pass legislation requiring the forced vaccination of my children. If you truly believe in the efficacy of vaccines and truly believed that it is for the public good YOU should be out there first in line waiting for every damn shot. 

My upset is with the friends and family who were out of their minds with the righteousness of the oppressed when Mayor Bloomberg wanted to outlaw Big Gulps. Not that you couldn't buy 10 smaller drinks and drink them all at once but heaven forbid anyone be told that they cannot have that giant vat of diabetes all at once. I am angry with my friends and family who think that any law which prohibits them from walking into a mall or library armed for armageddon is an infringement on their constitutional rights. But I should have my kids injected with poison for the public good? How can they not see that the two things are equal?! How can you not see the rampant hypocrisy?! You can't, because it isn't convenient for you. You can't because you're blinded by ignorant fear. You can't because if you opened your eyes to see what you are so willfully ignoring you would have to admit that you fucked up.  That you believed the lies. That you poisoned your own children.

The only way you can feel better about your fuck up is to insist that everyone must agree with you. If everyone does it it must be right. Right?

Martin Niemoller's lasting words

So for days I heard the words of Martin Niemoller in my head. Words I'd heard repeatedly in Hebrew School where I was taught to do it this way because that is the way we do it (and read and write a language but not comprehend it. Can anyone say "latin mass"?) It was a lesson to learn. It is the lesson behind the popular phrase "Never Forget".  

The holocaust was not the first genocide nor was it the last. In fact there are a generation of children now who will grow up thinking "Never Forget" is from 9/11. Perhaps "Never Forget" was used even before WWII. You may think I"m crazy drawing a comparison between the holocaust and compulsory vaccine laws but sadly I am not. Because if they can pass a law requiring everyone to be injected with poison they can do pretty much anything. And they've got you so scared you'll sign over every right... every freedom.

I am upset because though I think 16oz of soda at once is a perfectly reasonable portion size, I would never tell someone else how much they can drink. Even though you getting diabetes WILL cost me money for your healthcare. And though I want to rip every last cigarette from your fingers and never have to smell that garbage again or see one more butt get thrown out a car window I will defend your right to poison yourself because it is your right to do with your body what you want. And though I want to choke the 2nd amendment crazies with copies of the constitution I wouldn't because as patriotic as they THINK they are I am MORE of a patriot. Words I never thought I'd associate myself with. Because I will defend your right to have your own private little arsenal. Because this is America. Land of the free right? So you better fucking defend my family's right to bodily integrity. To health. Because next it could be you.

First they came for the Anti-Vaxxers, and you didn't say anything.

The month that wasn't.

I looked over the calendar today and it was quite a shock.

Lavender - me
Periwinkle Blue - DD
Pale Blue - DS
Black - the Hubs.

January 10th we went to a local children's museum with friends for their son's birthday. It was the only public place we'd been for days. Somehow, out of our whole group, I got the flu. At least this time I kind of knew what it was and didn't wait to try to get over it myself I went and got tested and got some Tamiflu but strangely in a flu season that has been fraught with ineffective vaccines and strong strains I got lucky. Well, as lucky as someone who has contracted the flu 3 out the last 4 years can be. I was over it quickly but weakened for several days after as serious illness tends to do.

I came down with it Tuesday night the 13th but by Saturday the 17th I was pretty much back to normal, albeit easily tired. Sunday, the 18th we visited the home of a friend where my children were exposed to chicken pox. I had a couple of days that week, still a little sniffly, still tiring easily and then Saturday the 24th at my brother-in-law's birthday party I fell asleep on the bed in the guest room under a pile of coats. Sunday I was full on sick again. It slowly became harder and harder to deny as I forced my way through my last Hypnobabies class with my current group. My head a solid block of wool and yet snot poured out of my nose like a hot spring from hell. I was sick all week but by Thursday, thanks to some help from some homeschool mom friends who took pity on me and shuttled my kids around for an afternoon so I could go home and nap - I was able to get to work that night and was on the mend by Friday.

Thursday night we noticed some small red spots on my daughter.... Chicken pox FTW! She was under quarantine until the 2nd when all the pox had crusted over and she'd had no signs of sickness for a few days....then my son exploded with pox as well.  He had it much worse than she did and had a fever and sickness to accompany it. Friday night my husband came home from work sick and spent the weekend in bed. Tristan also became really sick again over the weekend with fever and vomitting and lots of head cold symptoms and still had active pox blisters. Wednesday I thought we'd be able to resume normal life - or at least leave the house. Then my daughter came down with whatever my son had - fever again and vomit and snot again.

We've now been illness free for 5 days and during that time ALL OF OUR HOMESCHOOL ACTIVITIES HAVE BEEN CANCELLED!

Because the universe really likes to drive its point home when it says "FUCK YOU".

MWF ISO BFF(S)

The title is misleading. I have a lovely BFF and she is and always will be my BFF so first thing on the list of criteria is that you have to love my BFF too. She doesn't have to be your BFF but you should know right off the bat that she's not going anywhere so you should endeavor to at least like her and if you're feeling left out of the 20 years worth of inside jokes we have going on just smile and nod. Thats what our husbands do and it works pretty well for them.

But, really, this isn't about her or any of my other lovely friends who I adore for various and sundry reasons. This is about me. This is entirely about me. You should be prepared to be AAAALLLLL about me too.

You see, there is this thing that happens as you age and go through life's hoops. You (hopefully find a partner - if you desire one) get married. And they say your spouse is supposed to be your best friend. My hubby is awesome. But if we weren't in love I don't know that we'd have ever even sat at the same table in the high school cafeteria. Actually this would have been impossible as I took art and music classes during lunch and he took.... I don't know.... probably extra super hard calculus. My husband compliments rather than matches me and I think that makes us a pretty well rounded team when facing the world. So, you reach an age where everyone pairs off and starts making miniatures and that takes up a great deal of our time. There are babies crying and children who need picking up from places and bosses with inhumane deadlines. There is just all this STUFF and it gets in the way of the really important things in life like talking to me on the phone while I clean my kitchen AGAIN, or answering my texts at all hours because someone I haven't seen since 1997 just posted a sonogram picture of her accidental 4th baby on Facebook and it has dredged up every sad feeling I have ever had about infertility and miscarriages.

I am understanding of my placement in the order of importance in my friend's lives. It is down on the list well below, families, and jobs, and homes, and gosh probably loads of other stuff and that is ok and expected because thats where I have to put them too. I consider myself lucky to even BE on the list and given how busy our lives are I suppose it is a miracle we see each other often enough to still consider ourselves friends.

My enquiry is the result of a problem I have encountered before but never quite so often as I have in the last 6 months or so. The days where I am really excited, or really upset, or I"m bursting with something to share and NO. ONE. PICKS. UP. THE. PHONE.

Or answers a text. Or seems to be on Facebook. or responds to emails or smoke signals or owl post, or federation hailing frequencies.

I realized my circle of close friends is very very small. I am sure I am not alone in seeking out different people depending on what is on my mind. So sure, there are sometimes friends outside of the very inner sanctum who are in the next closest circle. I could call them. They might answer. They would also probably have no idea what to do with the information I want to pass on or the need I have that needs filling. The same way a podiatrist may be a doctor but is not the first person you call when you're having trouble digesting gluten or cracked a tooth.

So I am seeking more BFFs. As it is unfair and unreasonable of me to expect my current BFFs to shoulder "the load" that is me.

So here is a little bit about me:

• I am short and round in all the right places and some that I feel are less right. My breasts play a large role in my life because well, they are large. They literally precede me entering a room. They cause all kinds of back and shoulder pain. They have been given many names by many people but I just call them the girls. Given all the trouble they have caused me in my life I feel it is important for me to abuse them in return by wearing the tightest pushy-uppiest (I also make up words) bras I can in whatever eye jarring color I can get them in and exposing them to the elements regularly.
• I am of more than moderate intelligence but rather than specializing in one particular area I seem to know a decent amount about a lot of things. Except knitting and childbirth and Jane Austen. I'm pretty sure I'm considered and expert in all of those.
• I am crafty. This includes arts, fibers, and witchiness. I have so many things I want to do and so many things half done that I am overwhelmed by it. There aren't enough hours in the day or days in the year. 
• I have children. I homeschool them. They're with all the fucking time and I use every excuse to get away from them because I"M WITH THEM ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I also chose this path willingly and prefer it to any other available to me right now.
• I am more than my children. I have all this other stuff I like and do and enjoy friends who have things that they like and do outside of parenting too. It makes us interesting and prevents us from (committing murder) becoming a front page headline. 
• I have fertility issues. Long, complicated, exasperating fertility issues. And I picked a shitty line of work for someone who has fertility issues. 
• I read. Lots. Mostly fiction. 
• I drink wine and I'm a happy drunk. A bit kissy-touchy but I can't help it I LOVE YOU!
• I"m a bit of a geek. (see chart)  Not in the way that it's now "chic" to be a geek so everyone says it - I mean a legitimate one. Old school I suppose. Not so far out there that I can't adapt socially but definitely on the spectrum. 
  
• I poke smot and it causes all of my worst dietary choices. BUT, its either that or an I.V. of xanex and it fulfills my oral fixation.
• I like to talk on the phone, not text. While on the phone I can clean, I can cook, and can do lots of things that need doing and still feel connected to the outside world. Texting allows me to do none of those things and autocorrect (or as I call it "auto assume") gives me text-rage.
• I"m a birthworker. I am passionate and vocal about many topics related to birth and child rearing. I frequently get into pointless Facebook battles with complete idiots or worse, intelligent people who believe idiotic things. I both admire and complain about the women I work with.
• I like being home so long as it is dotted with going out. I like eating really good food (who doesn't) especially when it is served to me and I don't have to clean up. 
• I like to laugh. Things I find funny: Satire, British humor, Louis C.K., Joss Whedon's comedic timing. I myself am only circumstantially funny, in writing, by accident, or according to my existing BFF who I am to this day unsure if we just exist in a world where we are funny only to each other or if she's just being nice. I'm also a very good sport. I take a lot of things seriously but *I* am not one of them.
• I like most music. Except most rap and most country. I like to share the new stuff I've found and have people groove to it. This rarely occurs. I am forced to face the possibility that... I may have terrible taste in music.
• I am socially tolerant. I am difficult to shock. I have a "hey whatever works for you" sort of attitude -except where circumcision is concerned. I'm pretty much rabid crazy about that one.
• I'm a witch. I become more of a witch with every passing day. I strive to really own that word. I was raised Jewish if being Jewish means lighting candles and eating foods comprised almost entirely of oil, meat, and onions. I play the Jew card when it suits me or when I"m dealing with dumb people. The rest of the time I just feel sorry for them because their ideas haven't changed in 6 thousand years and they brag about it, their art is hideous, and their messiah came and they were so busy arguing about old books and making ugly art that they were kind of a dick to him. 
• I like to do things WITH people. I need my alone time like everyone does and I certainly wouldn't call myself a social butterfly but I like to say "hey lets go to a movie... to a park.... to a museum...  to... stuff!". I like to be at people's birthday parties and make a small fuss over them. I like to be with people for their milestones and for people to be present for mine. I like to choose my "family".

Ideal new BFF:

• you should be short like me so we can commiserate or tall enough to be useful for fetching things from high places. you should be pleasing on mine eyes but not so pleasing that I cry before going out with you because that makes me the fat ugly friend. Give yourself extra points if you are good with your hands and can massage my breast-induced aches. And a couple more points if you applaud my daring wardrobe choices which have been known on occasion to border on burlesque costumes. When I make up words you totally understand what I mean.
• you should be of more than moderate intelligence too. I don't mind if you are "smarter" than me, in fact I prefer it. So long as you are not smug about it (in public). Dumb people need not apply. Dumb equates to a wide variety of things besides intelligence for me and has nothing to do with grades or IQ scores but discontinue reading if you are any of the following: an Altima driver, Hummer, or Jewish BMW Mercedes VW driver, a republican/conservative/Ayn randist/teapartier, someone who panics about "weather", someone who would "rather watch the movie", someone who scheduled a c-section for no medical reason, a devout Christian. or Jew. 
  
• You can either be crafty too OR you can be in constant awe and appreciation of my craftiness. Your choice. You should also understand that for every project i have going or talk about doing there are about a dozen that I haven't told you about yet.
• You can either have your own children or you can adore mine and never mind that they are around me all the time and not let that stop us from having a good time.
• You agree with me that women whose worlds begin and end with their children are boring. If you have kids of your own - double points.  If your kids are for whatever reason so high maintenance that you can't chill with me and mine (did I say mine... I meant wine) or sit down for more than 30 seconds without catastrophe occurring don't bother calling, that position is more than amply filled. But basically believe that kids are great - but they're also suicidal assholes.
• you have unlimited patience and tissues for listening to my fertility woes. You had to work at it a bit too and you too, hate those bitches who just have to look at their partners to get pregnant. Extra points if you're a chiropractor, acupuncturist,  herbalist or endocrine specialist.
• You should read  a lot too. This point is non-negotiable.
• You should drink wine too. Also non-negotiable. You can drink other stuff too, you just prefer wine and you are totally ok with wine induced snogging and totally ok after snogging. You should agree with me that it is always "wine o'clock" and that no wine glass is too large. 
• You should be a geek too but able to pass for a normal person when necessary. If you speak another language (i.e.: droid, klingon, elvish, or enough Chinese to translate the lines in Firefly) give yourself extra points) I need someone who appreciates the things I like even if they're in to different things and whose "stuff" I can appreciate too. It would be cool if we could recommend things to each other and sincerely like  most of the things that we recommend to each other.
• you should poke smot too. I already have enough friends who don't do this or do it regularly and I want one who does. Extra points if you have a steady connection.
• You have to enjoy talking on the phone. You have to answer your phone at least %50 of the times I call and you have to return calls you miss at least 75% of the time. Always being the pursuer and never the pursued is totally overrated. I need to feel loved too.
• you should be either passionate about birth too or defer to me because you have no idea and you know I'm speaking sense. I don't need you to have had the same experiences as I have but you have to agree that the  ideal is natural, vaginal, free birth, mother's milk, and intactivism and those things though not always attainable should be striven for whenever possible.
• You should like coming to my house and having me (us) over. You should also like going out and having really good food or making it for me and insisting I shouldn't help in the kitchen to clean up. 
• You should be funny. You don't need to perform for me or anything just that we can chuckle at the same things. You should also be able to take a joke made at your expense. Again, I am full up on people who take themselves WAY too seriously. Any joke, no matter how slight is as likely to cause anything from a pout to a pummel and I just don't need any more of that shit.
• you too should like most music. Except most rap and most country because I will never want to listen to that dreck. You should take time to actually listen to the things I'm in to and have things you think I'd like to share with me.
• you should be socially tolerant too. Especially where my intactivism is concerned (did I mention I'm a bit cray cray with that?)
• you don't have to be a witch but that'd be just awesome. Especially if you were public about it. Especially if you weren't entirely solitary. Especially if you had kids you were raising with it. But really, just Pagan would be great. Or open minded. Or an atheist who isn't a complete asshole in their self righteous insistence in the infallibility of science (reminiscent of religious fanaticism a bit hmmm?)
• You must, and this is an important one, you must have NO intention or desire to move away. I have been plagued these last few years with a deeply upsetting situation that seems to be a theme. I make a friend. A friend who fulfills these requirements in one way or another. And then they move away. And it breaks my heart. And my children's hearts. And I just can't do it anymore. So you have to be someone who is stuck on this turd shaped shmuck filled shithole of an island with me. Extra points if I can walk to your house from mine. 

So dear new BFF if you're out there, unlikely though it may be,  please respond to my plea. I miss you already. And thank you past and current BFFs for putting up with me.

Into the Woods the Movie - a Review...ish

I'm not really reviewing there are plenty of really great reviews by people who are much more enlightened in the ways of musical theatre than I am but as an aficionado of musical theatre and Into the Woods in particular I have my opinions and here are a few of them.

I was really really pleased with the movie.

I was a bit nervous going in as I am of the opinion that the original production was completely perfect and sacred and should not be tampered with but the movie stayed true to most of it and every bit of the heart of it.

• The sets: ornate and beautiful with just the right amount of creepiness in the dark woods and just the right amount of suspension of reality and just the right amount of poverty and hominess in the character's dwellings.
• The costumes: wonderful and imaginative.
• The sound: perfect. The slight changes they made to the music just made it more modern IMO instead of the balance that was preferred in the 80s.
• The singing: for the most part I was really impressed. Just a couple of slight and probably necessary changes for the sake of actors whose voices were not up to the complete challenge of a Sondheim tune and really - who's voice is ever up to the challenge of a Sondheim tune besides Bernadette Peters.

A few things that stood out:

• There was an awful lot of slapping in the first five minutes. I think it was only jarring because we are so used to NOT seeing it. I must admit I was rather jealous of Jack's mother's ability to give her kid a good whack and feel no guilt about it.
• Chris Pine's stint as Captain Kirk may have forever altered his acting style. He nearly channeled William Shatner through most of his performance. It took me a little while to realize he was purposely playing over the top but Agony was the comedic high point of the show. 
• I heard rumors that they were not going to kill off the Baker's Wife, Jack's mother, or Rapunzel because its Disney and its a kids movie, sort of, kind of, not really, but we're all taking the kids anyway. This was only partially true and in usual Disney fashion they kill the mothers. ALL THE MOTHERS. Baker's wife, Jack's mom, Witch. All die. Rapunzel OF COURSE rides off into the sunset with her prince, no twins, and a new hair do. Completely reasonable repercussions for teenager disobeying her mother! NOT! but hey Disney knows their audience.
• And while I"m on the subject of the Witch - OH MY GOD Meryl Streep did a fantastic job. I was however disturbed by the end she met. I always felt the witch's disappearance in the show was left ambiguous. I never really believed that she had died or even been punished. She got what she asked for (in a careful what you wish for sort of way) to be taken "away from this bunch".  Disney - again, true to itself -  punished the "evil witch" with a revolting death by being swallowed by the earth and a tar pit. Truly heinous way to definitely DIE. Perhaps it is my growth from when I was first exposed to Into the Woods as a child to being a mother now but I really feel for her and it was as though Disney, always on the side of the ingenue (lol, I couldn't figure out how to spell ingenue or get even close enough for spell check to offer me suggestions. So how did I find it? I looked up the lyrics to Prima Donna from Phantom!!! mad theatre geek points for that one I think) had judged and  buried me. I think we all invent endings for characters when stories leave their endings untold. Having Disney finish her story in such a terrible way really bothered me.
• I heard they were cutting some songs and really the only one they cut other than some unnecessary reprises was "No More" sung between the Baker and his estranged father. It is a touching song but it was always a slow moving part of the show and they tied it together well in the movie without 7 minutes of two people singing. 
• Johnny Depp. I know I am going to have people shouting to burn me at the stake for this but I just kind of feel.... meh. He did alright. The excitement of "oh my god Johnny Depp is playing the wolf" just wasn't there for me. The wolf is supposed to be charming, a little creepy, and unnervingly sexual in his carnal appetites. I see Johnny Depp as having two settings:  Sam(from Benny and June)/Edward Scissorhands or as WIlly Wonka/Jack Sparrow/Mad Hatter. I still don't know why he was in a zoot suit or for that matter why Little Red's dress was from the 20th century when everyone elses wasn't but that is an issue with the costume designer and not his performance. 

There were two moments that jarred me. This is one of those shows where you hear something new every time you listen or perhaps it just has so much wisdom and various meanings packed into each line that you hear something different with each listen. 

1) when the Witch told the Baker and his Wife to bring Milky White to her so she could bring the cow back to life. Someone made a comment like "I didn't know she could do that" and someone else said: "She's a witch. She can do anything." and I was like - Damn Straight!

2) At the very very end when the Witch's voice is heard saying "Wishes are children" and "Wishes come true, not free". That stung. I thought that is true, I have to pay, I have to work harder, harder than I've been working, if I want my wish to come true. And then I though how unfair I should have to work so incredibly hard for so many years and sacrifice so much for something that most other people never give any thought to. But, having two children already I know that having children means sacrifice. It means living forever with a part of yourself walking around outside of your own body. What wouldn't I do for them? So what wouldn't I do for another?

But, my absolute favorite moment by far was during "Giants in the Sky". It is my son's favorite song. Partway through the second verse I looked over at him and he was sitting on the very edge of his seat.  Mouth open and unmoving. Eyes WIDE and unblinking. Spellbound. Soaking in every moment of it. I just watched him through the rest of the song. It was beautiful and I am so glad the magic of this show has creeped in to another generation.

Update or rather - non update.

People have been asking how I am feeling after the surgery and the answer so far is inconclusive.

Cons:

• I have not lost any weight - if anything I've gained a few pounds.
• I feel like my hair is falling out even more but it might be because I'm in a bit of a panic about it
• I have at least 2 new pimples on my face (not little whitehead zits - real big red painful ones) everyday that take a few days to go away and all but laugh at my natural acne gel and a couple of pimples on my back shoulders and chest which I never used to get.
• I have many days of spotting seemingly at random.
• I have many moments of a twinge which feels like ovulation or a cramp but amounts to pretty much nothing
• I have had no positive ovulation tests
• I have had no indication viz basal body temp that I have ovulated at all
• I have had no real moons.
• I have had multiple weepy crying jags over ridiculous things (reading books to my kids, insurance commercials etc.) that would normally be a sign that I am pregnant or pre-menstrual but I am neither.

Pros:

• As I said there have been several days where I've spotted. Twice the spotting became heavy enough that I declared it a "light" moon blood and hoped it would evolve into a real bleed but it didn't. It is a pro only because these 2 "light" days occurred at perfect textbook menstrual cycle intervals.
• The increased acne and spotting can be a sign of hormonal changes and I am clinging to the hope that that is what is happening and my body just hasn't settled into a new "normal" yet.

I saw the doctor who performed the surgery a few days ago and other than insisting my hypothesis that somehow the surgery increased my testosterone output instead of decreasing it was wrong he basically shrugged his shoulders and offered me a whole bunch of options which I cannot do.

Choices:

• The Pill, perennial favorite of all doctors. It would tidily get my unsolvable puzzle of a problem off their hands and put the resulting psychotic unraveling of my mind on a shrinks schedule. As I mentioned in  my previous post - the pill and I are not a good match.
• Metformin, again, see previous post.
• Monitor myself at home. Not very reliable or scientific and has a long history of causing my day to be ruined by a low temp reading or a negative ovulation test first thing in the morning.
• Monitor myself in the office. This means coming in 2x or more a week to have blood drawn and transvaginal sonograms done so they can get a vague idea of what my body is doing. I can tell you what its doing. The same damn thing it always did.
• Femara: a drug that will induce ovulation and is often preferred over clomid for women with PCOS but also has subastantial dangerous drawbacks with long term use.
• Two drugs which will inhibit the androgen induced symptoms. Not cure mind you, just mask. and the huge drawback - you can't take them if you want to have a baby.
• some crazy diet scheme where I buy meals from a company. I am not morbidly obese and would not benefit from crash dieting. Anything changes I make have to be gradual and sustainable because they are changes for a lifetime not to drop 10lbs to fit into a bridesmaid dress or something. Crash diets are the opposite of healthy for anyone but particularly for someone with insulin problems.
• give it more time.

I have, for the sake of sanity, decided to start with "more time". 

Please give me your strength.

Because right now I just want to curl up in my bed and sleep forever.

So you 'd like to have a natural birth

<warning - In rereading this I realize that the beginning sound all lovely and supportive and positive. You should know that though the beginning is lovely and supportive and positive that that is just a setup to prove a point at the end>

So you'd like to have a natural birth.

Thats wonderful news.

No doubt you've heard that natural birth is healthier for you and your baby both in the short and long term. 

Why is natural birth better? 

It is birth as nature intended and nature intends for you to be in tip top shape when its all over so that you will then make - more babies! Natural birth is empowering. Natural birth allows the symphony of hormones to play their song. It creates the best possible bacterial environment to keep your baby safe from sickness when it comes mewling and helpless into the world. Natural birth is empowering. It provides you with an opportunity to go beyond limits, to push yourself, to succeed. Your first mamma-bear do-anything-for-your-child, do-the-best-thing-for-your-child, trial. 

So you know all of this stuff and now you begin planning your awesome fulfilling, safe, healthy, empowering, natural, birth....

by choosing an obstetrician.....?

you know, those people who specialize in obstetrical surgery techniques but know fuck all about birth.

and you choose a hospital...?

not the one with the lowest c-section rates, highest VBAC rates, lowest rates of augmented and induced labors no... you chose the hospital that is:

• closest to your house ....... even though first babies take hours. FUCKING HOURS ladies! and then more hours. Think 24 or so from the moment something in your brain clicks and you KNOW you're in labor. If its less consider yourself really fucking lucky (bitches better stop telling me war stories of their 14 hour labors. That is NOT a long labor. THAT was a gift!) and if its more my heart goes out to you I have felt your pain.
• has the nicest maternity suites...... because they have a lot of money. know why they have a lot of money? Because they perform a lot of unnecessary procedures so they can charge your insurance company. Pretty rooms are there to lure you in. They have absolutely nothing to do with the care you will receive and often are a sure sign that they care you will receive is exactly the kind you don't want. 
• has the highest rated NICU....  because worst first thinking is definitely the way to go when you're having a baby. Completely forget the fact that 99% of all healthy pregnancies end in normal healthy births. Got news for you ladies - Hospitals with big fancy NICUs have to make sure they are being used. They've got quotas to fill.

^^these are actual common reasons I am given^^

You want a natural birth so you turn to FB because.... wait what?! why the fuck are you polling for opinions on FB? Go and find fact based information for yourself. You obviously know how to use the internet. Be YOUR OWN advocate. Stop giving away your power!

I have been accused of being "negative" on birth related pages for providing factual, statistical, real information to women who would apparently prefer to have smoke blown up their hoo-hahs - which might actually happen at a hospital if you're not informed. Information is not positive or negative. How YOU feel about it is. If you are not informed then you are at risk. I wish it were not so. I wish ya'll could birth in a bubble of ignorance because guess what - those mammas birth quickly and beautifully. But you're not ignorant. You know stuff. You just know the wrong stuff. And its killing our birth culture. So, when I or someone else tells you something with ONLY the idea of helping you attain that which you most desire, something which may not be pretty but is a fact. Take the piece of information, learn what you can from it, if you don't need it, put it aside and don't think about it. 


Let me give you an example via metaphor to show you how silly your thinking is.

I am afraid of earthquakes.
I move to California
I build a house on stilts
I call anyone "negative" or worse who points out that California is earth quake central and houses on stilts are unsound.

now the reality

I want a VBAC
I decided to birth at Cesarean University Hospital
with Dr. Knife
I call anyone "negative" or worse who points out that I should rethink this plan.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ovaries Shmovaries

I don't remember how old I was when I first got my moon (my period to you muggles). I was not so young or so old that the event stood out. I knew what it was and boy was I pissed.

I woke up, saw the blood on the sheet, and said "Ooooh shit."

I told my mother who smiled congratulated me and then said "Arn't you glad I didn't slap you?!" (in some cultures/religions first mensus is rewarded with a slap because, you know, now you're the vessel for original sin and should immediately be punished and all)

By the time I got back from the bathroom my great Aunt was on the phone which meant my mother had already called my grandmother who immediately called her sister who immediately called me. Thus is life in a Jewish family.

Oh shit indeed. Because what I didn't know was that from that time on "health" would become entirely subjective.

I remember the episodes. They came on unexpectedly and left me laying on the floor of the bathroom curled in a ball crying and wishing I could magically transform into a boy. Luckily (or so I thought at the time) they only came a few times a year. We were told it takes some girls a while for their cycles to become...well...cyclical.

By the time I was 16 they still were not regular. A visit to my mom's OBGYN (because nothing says mother/daughter bonding like sharing a doctor whose job it is is to shove cold metal instruments in your lady parts) we were informed that for some girls cycles just don't come regularly but combined with my recent unexplained weight gain and horrible pizza face acne despite atomic acne drugs (Acutane anyone?) they thought the best course of action was "The Pill" (birth control pill for you menfolk). 

At 17 when I became sexually active and still wasn't menstruating regularly I had multiple "oh my god I'm pregnant" freak outs. Had I known how elusive pregnancy would be for me, huddled with a watch in the bathroom at my best friend's house staring at a pregnancy test not even knowing how many lines I wanted to see, I would never have been so nervous. You see I'd only ever wanted to be a mother. For as long as I can remember. I wanted a big family. 5 kids or so. Other people were driven to become doctors or teachers etc. I wanted to be a mother and everything I did between then and birthing my children was just filling the time. So when at 18 I went to a different OBGYN by myself for a routine visit and in walked a doctor I had never met who skipped any introductions and just stared at my chart and talked really fast saying "You'll probably never get pregnant on your own you'll need to come in for drugs to help you have kids." I. Was. Destroyed.

I believe I was 20 when I contracted an illness that required antibiotics. The doc told me it would be pointless to take the pill while on the antibiotics so I didn't take them. I got sick (or maybe it just never went away) again the following month and did another course of antibiotics and didn't take the pill. Two months with no "pill".

It was as though clouds I hadn't noticed were there parted and the sun shone down on me for the first time. I was happier, more stable, less crazy. I had thought I was just another casualty of teen-hood. I went in to my teen years and came out a crazy bitch. I didn't know I could be any other way. And that was on a low dose pill. I vowed never to go on the pill again.

Slowly over the course of about 2 years I put on even more weight. My hair thinned. Acne was still terrible. Still only got my period a few times a year. Doctors seemed to be at a loss. They could continue giving me the steady stream of drugs and antibiotics for the acne. I could go back on the pill. That was it.

In 2002 right before I started graduate school my grandmother showed me an article in her diabetic's magazine and said "This sounds like you." It was there I learned about PCOs (Poly cystic ovary syndrome) its link to insulin resistance (before it was cool) and the diabetic drug glucophage (generic: metformin) which seemed to be helping women with PCOs. I went to see an endocrinologist who had no idea what I was talking about but agreed to give me a prescription. I took it and was sick for about 6 months straight. I was in grad school and living away from home. I was nauseated and had stomach pains for most of every day. I couldn't eat anything but mozzarella sticks. After a full day of classes I'd go out into the woods with some friends, smoke pot, and then finally be comfortable and able to eat. Then I'd get the munchies and end up eating exactly the crap that I was supposed to avoid. I didn't have anyone to explain how insulin and sugar worked or how different sugars effect your blood sugar or hidden sugars or combining protein with sugars so the insulin didn't spike.


PCOs is a syndrome because its symptoms vary from woman to woman. Not every woman will have all the symptoms. To break it down very very simply imagine insulin in your body looking like a little puzzle piece. It is meant to fit perfectly with sugars to digest them. In my body the puzzle pieces don't fit properly. So, my body says "hey, I need energy - eat something!". When the sugar hits my system the insulin can't digest it or turn it into energy because it doesn't fit correctly. So my body thinks I still haven't eaten. So it makes MORE insulin to make me want to EAT MORE. EAT MORE SUGAR especially. My body also thinks its starving because though I eat, the food isn't actually being turned into nutrients so it automagically stores everything as fat. The high levels of insulin and fat cause hormonal disruptions. The hormonal disruptions - mostly high testosterone and low estrogen and progesterone - cause annovulation (no ovulation) and infertility.

The lining around the ovaries, that membrane the eggs explode through and come tumbling down the fallopian tubes to be fertilized, well, it thickens. Kind of like a testicle! The eggs don't get enough of the hormones they need to mature. They also can't get out of the thickened membrane. They turn into cysts within the ovary and chill out there releasing MORE androgens. The ovaries produce too much testosterone. The lining of the womb doesn't get enough estrogen and doesn't bleed. Short term it causes weight gain, hair loss on the head, hair growth everywhere else acne and a lovely long list of other crap. Long term, uncontrolled, it leads to Type 2 diabetes, heart disease, and uterine cancer. 

Isn't it lovely. First it gradually turns you into a man. Then if you can actually find a man who doesn't mind chest hair on his woman it takes away your ability to have children, then it kills you early. And I repeat - this is the leading cause of infertility for women. You absolutely know someone who has this (other than me). It is estimated that about %10 of women have it to some degree or another. 

At least I can get work as a carny

It wasn't until my summer off from grad school that I got myself a bunch of books and started to learn. I learned how PCOs is vicious cycle. That the one thing that makes it go away (losing weight) is also the thing it actively prevents you from doing. I learned how it is very common (leading cause of infertility in women) but that so little was known at that time that doctors didn't know what to do for women who had it beside put them on the pill which masks the symptoms but doesn't actually fix the problem and certainly isn't helpful if you're trying to have a baby. I learned how to eat to control my sugar levels. I cut out a great deal of things and replaced many others with healthier options. I learned about herbs and supplements that could help. High protein, low carb. Cut out androgen disruptors like soy, and certain cooking oils. Never store food in plastic. Never microwave. The list is exhaustive and I wrote a different blog post about it a while ago. Its been so frustrating that no matter what I do, No matter how many changes I make, my body doesn't budge. If I do them all my weight stagnates and I don't menstruate. If I stop I gain weight which makes it worse.

It it took a very long time for the metformin to work. 2 years actually. 2 years before my moon was predictable - cyclical. Two years of nausea, stomach pains, and arguing about what to eat because NOTHING was appetizing - ever. The first time I knew when my moon was coming it was falling on my wedding day. PMS the week leading up to my wedding and a bloody honeymoon?! No thanks! I went to the doc and got some progesterone to bring on my moon early so I'd be in the clear for the wedding.

And I was.

I'd also rebooted my system. I didn't know a tenth then of what I know now about my body and fertility and well..... everyone knows Magdalena :-)

Pregnancy was wonderful. Everything that plagues me when I'm not pregnant went away. I was healthier than I'd been in many years. Pregnancy makes the PCOs go into a kind of remission. For some women it is permanent. I was not so lucky.

A few months after Magda was born, knowing we wanted more children and wishing to get ahead of the problem we went to see a fancy fertility specialist. Sitting in his very posh office he told me despite my healthy baby bouncing on my lap that  

• I'd never get pregnant on my own  again without his help
• my daughter was a fluke
• I needed to go back on the pill for a few months
• I needed to take Metformin again - forever.
• that I needed to exercise for at least an hour every day for the rest of my life
• and be on a permanent Atkins diet for the rest of my life. 

He was a complete asshole with a massive god complex. HE would MAKE me pregnant. There was no other way. (FYI his name is Steven Palter from Gold Coast Fertility and  I highly recommend you take your precious ovum and run as far away from him as possible)

I went back to my books (and the internet now thankfully) and vowed I could do it without his expensive hormone peddling douchy help. It took the better part of a year (which is actually completely normal) but we conceived Tristan on our own.

Again pregnancy was great.When Tristan was about 6 months old we started working on baby number 3. 

We've been working on it ever since.

I remember when I first began learning about PCOs and the few medical options available to me. I read about a surgery where they removed a section of the ovary kind of like cutting out a wedge of cake. I remember thinking that that would be at the bottom of my list. That there were so many other options one was bound to work. I also remember thinking I'd never get to the bottom of the list. The modern version of this surgery is called Ovarian Drilling. A laproscopic procedure where they poke holes in the ovaries and cauterize them at the same time. Ovarian Drilling - obviously named by a man. 

It has been 14 years since my journey with PCOs began (really it started when I first hit puberty but we couldn't have known then).  In that time I've completely altered my diet. I've been on nearly every supplement recommended for androgen problems, insulin problems, menstrual problems, sometimes so many at once it was a financial burden and so filling I couldn't even eat after taking all the pills. You might think not eating would be a good way to lose weight but you'd be wrong. If I don't eat regularly it actually seriously exacerbates the problem. I've exercised at various intensities for periods of time most notably the entire year leading up to my sister's wedding when I diligently shlepped my two babies to a New York Sports Club in Long Beach 3 times a week. And true to the difficulty inherent in living with PCOs - I lost NO weight. 

I even tried going back on Metformin three times all with the same result. Even a lower dose. Even the extended release. Even the name brand. They all made me sick to my stomach. I longed for the days of grad school when I had no little ones and could afford to be sick or stoned all the time.

I've had two miscarriages in the last 5 and a half years. After the first I went to see a different Reproductive Specialist. Joseph Pena of Long Island IVF. Also a total asshole. I told him when I sat down that I was just looking for information. I wanted to know what options "medicine" had for me. I'd just finished bleeding after the miscarriage. I was very knowledgeable about my "condition". I was also very diligent in charting. A way of keeping track of fertility by taking your basal body temp every morning and checking cervical mucous (yum) and mood, and many other things which can and do tell you when what is going on in your body. He refused to look at my charts. He insisted I knew nothing about PCOs or my body. He told me he didn't believe that I'd had a miscarriage or had ever been pregnant because I hadn't had a blood test to confirm it. Asshole. And he repeatedly pushed a stack of financial aid paperwork for IVF (in vitro fertilization) at me. Their big money maker.

After the second and far more devastating miscarriage in January of 2013 I went to a third fertility doctor. I liked him. He was a kindly white haired old man who reminded me of Orville Reddenbacher. I told him about my experiences with the other doctors and he was embarrassed on behalf of his occupation. He looked over my charts. He took seriously my knowledge, my history, and all the "crazy" herbs and supplements I had tried. My desperate aversion to Metformin and the birth control pill was understood and not brought up again. His name is Richard Bronson of Reproductive Services of New York. Having PCOs limits what even the fertility doctors can do. The very hormones I am lacking, the ones they hand out like candy to other women, have a high incidence of over stimulating a woman with PCOs. Ovarian hyper stimulation is no joke. It hurts. Aaaaaand it leads to multiples. I'm not talking twins. I"m talking octomom. So we did Clomid, a common fertility drug which brings on maturity of the egg and ovulation. The low and medium doses didn't work on me. The high doses were torture. It feels like menopause - mood swings, sweats! and of course I took it in August. Clomid itself if taken too long increases the risk of cancer. This doc limits it to a very conservative 6 rounds. By our 6th round we were getting desperate and added a trigger shot (a shot of a hormone that forces the last bit of maturation and ovulation so fertilization can be timed perfectly) and an IUI (intra uterine insemination) a.k.a. turkey baster. The whole time I was under their care I had the constant morning routine of getting blood drawn and having trans-vaginal sonograms (worst dildo ever). They were running out of places to draw blood from that weren't black and blue.

None of that worked either.

I'd been looking into yet another supplement called Inositol that was entirely different than Metformin and yet did the same thing. It regulated the sugar/insulin problem only without making people sick. It had had many trials and studies done and ALL were promising. I used the dosages and recommendations from the studies and began to take it. We also scheduled the surgery. Dr. Bronson, at a loss for what else to do for me, brought up this unknown supplement a colleague of his had been studying. INOSITOL. I told him I'd already started and he was very supportive. Blood tests confirmed a significant decrease in my testosterone. We were relieved and excited. We cancelled the surgery. For a few months it seemed to be working. My moons were coming closer together, hurting less, the blood was healthier. And then it just stopped.

Everyone insisted that stress was causing the problem. Stress over not having a baby most of all. So I pretty much took this past year off from that. Trying but not really trying. I stopped the charting, the testing. I did a lot more "fun" things that I had avoided doing because I was "trying to have a baby". These usually involved alcohol.  I've did a lot of soul searching. I've improved a great deal in how I handle stress. How I treat myself. How I make myself happier. Instead of  making things better it is been 10 months since I last ovulated. I've had two bleeds but they came because my womb just said "oh fuck it I can't hold this anymore". In the last 5 months I"ve not even bled.  I spotted for a couple of days every two weeks for 2 months. Desire for more children took a back burner to worrying about being alive for the 2 I have. I went back to the doctor to make sure there was nothing ELSE wrong. There was nothing new. My ovaries showed the typical signs of PCOs but not bleeding for so long is a big concern. We discussed my whole history and what options were left to me. 

• I could go on the pill for the rest of my child bearing years (and obviously have no more children and possibly a stint in a sanitarium)
• I could go on progesterone for 10 days every month to bring on a bleed (progesterone is awful! again, like being in menopause and pms only when you're done you get to go through regular pms and THEN bleed heavily and painfully)
• I could do the ovarian drilling.

So we booked the surgery. 

The studies show that %50 of the women who undergo the surgery spontaneously begin ovulating on their own. The surgery is usually recommended for women who don't respond well to fertility drugs - like me. Of the other %50, a large majority of them become responsive to drugs and supplements and lesser invasive treatments after having had it.

It isn't a permanent fix but as my husband pointed out - wouldn't it be amazing to have a reprieve from this for a few years. To actually function normally. To get my "health" under control. Even if its just for a few years. And he is right. Every year this goes untreated my chances of a horrible disease ridden future go up. Though a baby is not foremost in my thoughts these days, every year that passes I get older. I went from being 29 and everyone telling me not to rush - you've got plenty of time to being considered "high risk" just because of maternal age. (Its bullshit by the way but its claws dig deeply into my brain).

SO there is a very good chance that this surgery will work for me in some way. It will, by virtue of literally burning it out, remove some of my body's ability to create testosterone. PCOs is, as I said, a vicious cycle. I've tried interrupting the cycle in various ways over the years. Through food, through drugs, through herbs/supplements, acupuncture, hypnosis. The ovarian drilling will interrupt the cycle in a new way. In a way I can't influence no matter how careful my diet or how many disgusting herbal tinctures I take. Everyone assumes that I've just reached a new level of desperation in my quest to have a baby. I hope this long history helps you all to understand - its not about a baby.  I never imagined all those years ago that I would reach the bottom of that list of options. I can't believe I'm here facing this. I DON"T want to do this. I HATE hospitals. I have a phobia of IVs so bad it was the driving force which lead me down the road to home birth! I am crying now typing this because the surgery place just called to give me particulars about tomorrow and it has made it VERY VERY real. But, for the sake of my long term health, for the sake of my quality of life. I have to do this. I have to try. I have to have hope that this "drastic" measure will work where all the gentler less invasive things didn't. 

So please think of me. Not necessarily prayers for my recovery because as surgeries go this isn't so bad. As recovery periods go, this isn't so long. Pray that it works. Pray that it marks the end of this long drawn out nightmare I've been living my entire adult life. This subtly invasive, invisible, and traitorous syndrome which steals, femininity, fertility, vitality, and health. Pray that it works. Because if it doesn't there is really nothing left on the list.