Traditional Native American Teepee Ceremonies and Other Things I am no Longer Curious About

look I'm a sweet innocent little flower

This past weekend I had (in retrospect we'll call it) the enlightening experience of attending a Traditional Native American Teepee Ceremony.My dear friend Mary, though caucasian and hailing from European ancestry, found her way to the "red road" many years ago. Her beliefs align beautifully with those espoused in native american spirituality and now she and her Navajo husband are very involved in their community. They are, without a doubt, two of the most beautiful people I know and that beauty shines from the inside. They practice what they preach and have always greeted my curiosity about their (for lack of a better word) religion with answered questions and invitations to any experiences they thought would be a good fit for me. I've been to sweat lodges in the branch-framed blanket covered lodge in their yard and absolutely loved the experience. I'd been hearing about the "teepee" for a long time and these mystical ceremonies where they stay up all night, sing prayers, eat medicine, and commune with Creator. Obviously I wanted to go to one desperately! Below is my account of my time there. 


Let me say immediately to anyone who happens upon my blog and reads this harrowing neurotic tale that I would never tell anyone not to do this. For the lovely people who were there it was truly a special time. I use my blog to journal and though it is public there really aren't too many people who care enough about my inner thoughts to read it but just in case you have been randomly lead here and you have the opportunity to go to a teepee ceremony please don't pass up the experience based on my account. It was just....not for me. I will use an * to denote the things which are triggers for me that lead to the "panic" attack I began to have but recovered from. There are a lot so in retrospect I guess its amazing that I held my shit together for as long as I did.


The Lead Up

I woke up Saturday morning already exhausted. I cleaned my house until 10am at which point my newest class of birth ed students arrived. I taught until 2pm, napped for one hour, during which time my stomach was churning. I'd been having bad thoughts about it all week and continually told myself I was being ridiculous. I was going to support Mary. It would be an anthropological adventure.I was at Mary's by 4:30 for a 5pm departure. Mary couldn't find her box. If I had to hear Mary say "I can't find my box" or ask her son to "help me find my box" or call her husband on the phone to ask "have you seen my box?" one more time the 12 year old boy in me would have exploded in "hahaha she said BOX" laughter. Mary's box is actually chock full of the things she needs for ceremonies and was therefore crucial to the event and had to be found. It took an hour but was found hidden on a high shelf in a back closet of a back room between Parcheesi and Mousetrap. Seems like a perfectly reasonable to place to put one's box (tee hee).

The ceremony was being held in a small park in the south Bronx. On the way there I found out several things which rather than quiet the little voice in my head that did not want to go, made it louder. Originally it was a women's only event but now there would be men in the teepee too *. We were not taking Ayahuasca which I'd mentally prepared myself for we were taking peyote *. Found out Mary's husband just went there to set up the teepee and would not be there for the ceremony * as he had to go home and be with their new puppy. I know its not very "feminist " of me but he would have been the only man there that I knew and he always makes me feel comfortable at these things. Also I did not have the appropriate attire as I really didn't know what I was walking in to *.

I had no idea where I was *. The south Bronx is as scary and weird as it appears in movies. I don't like not knowing where I am and in a city theres no stars and barely a sunset to orient one's self by. I don't like not having escape routes.

The Teepee

The teepee was erected in a cool little permaculture park built and maintained by the community for the community. The teepee was really amazing. I spent a lot of time walking around it and seeing how it was put together. I helped lay down a semi-circle of flowers with another woman who was wearing an awesome skirt and had one of those voices where she is really soft-spoken, sweet, and childlike - which annoys the fuck out of me.

I got the run-down on the ridiculous number of rules right before going in * by a woman named Cat who Mary asked to look out for me because she couldn't sit with me * and had lots of things to do as the ceremony was for her and said "you're good with women named "cat". Cat is a total "love and light" modern hippie who seems to flit around from even to event working with masters, eating medicine, and communing with her spirits and ancestors and....inadvertently causing me to feel like everything I said was not from a cosmic enough perspective *.

The fire and the alter set up were also very cool though I doubt they'd call it an altar. They have a different way of looking at it and different names for it but the phallus pointing directly to the yoni through a heart of fire was very obvious to me and gave me the "we are all one" warm fuzzies for about 5 minutes and then they closed the "door". (duhn, duhn, DUHN)

The fire, which in and of itself was done in a really cool way, was of green cedar and smoked a lot. My eyes began to water instantly and continued to water, sometimes in a full pour like I was sobbing, for the next 6 hours. * Same with my nose *. I developed a headache across my entire forehead *. My ears clogged up and were in a constant crackling noisy state *. I ran out of tissues well before midnight. 

We were permitted to sit only "indian" style or on our knees. Having terrible circulation I often opt to sit on the floor when I'm going to be sitting for a long time but that is because on the floor I can change between lots of positions as frequently as I want and not disturb those around me. Here: everyone was on the floor. I needed to put my feet straight out every few minutes to get the pins and needles to go away. I was told not to do that * because I might trip people walking around the fire. There was at least 4 feet between my shoes (which I wasn't allowed to take off and made me go numb faster) and the safe zone before the fire. Mary's son was laying down to sleep right near to me and having had a recent growth spurt is now taller than me and no one said anything about his feet. Mary's partner Yao (who's full name is long and has lots of q's and z's in it) 's son was laying next to me and as soon as he fell asleep he curled around me and stole my coat as pillow and blanket which I would normally be fine with but every time I moved or shifted he shifted into a position which further limited my movement. * and took over more of the small amount of space I had to sit in. *.

They used a water drum which was also a "poverty as ingenuity" really cool thing. An old kettle (re:cauldron) filled with water with the bottom of a hollowed out gourd upside-down floating on the water and being beaten with a wooden spoon shaped thing covered in something soft. It was very loud. Set at a fast tempo and relentless * for the entire night except for a short time here and there and the hour the medicine woman spent talking.

The chanting started off moving and beautiful. A few of the songs I recognized bits of from hearing Mary sing them in the sweat lodge before but 95% I didn't know and were sung in spanish or a variety of native american and ancient mexican languages. Nice at first... frustrating after hours and hours. Cat kept pressing me to sing something *.

The Peyote

They sent round the peyote. First a tea which I would never choose to drink on purpose but wasn't, compared to what would come next, that terrible. Then peyote buttons which were unfortunately the one type of food consistency that I have a visceral reaction to. Spongy *. Like scallops. We were told we had to eat whatever we took. I took two. Then came the powder. Imagine putting a teaspoon of hot pepper in the pocket of your cheek and being told to slowly use your saliva to moisten and swallow it. Except instead of hot it was the most disgustingly bitter thing ever. I talked to the peyote as instructed, and really did it with all my heart. I asked for it to show me something good, but something that I needed to see. After I choked down the powder by sheer force of will I slowly nibbled at the buttons again willing myself to swallow each piece. The live peyote cactus plants were about the diameter of a dollar coin but as thick as a finger. I made deals with myself about never doing it again if I could just get through it. I got through half of one before my gorge would rise every time I tried to swallow another piece. I hid the rest of the button and the one I hadn't even started in my herb bag. - Oh, I'd explained to Mary via text earlier that day that I absolutely loath being nauseated. Possibly because I have spent so much of my adult life on medications that made me nauseated all the time. I just turn into a giant baby. I asked if I could smoke herb to help with the nausea or would that be frowned on and she said it would be a good idea. So I brought it. In the car on the way there I found out she misunderstood me somehow and that no I would not be able to do that. *.

this is NOT what I experienced

I waited and waited. I stared into the fire. I tried to feel what they were singing about. It took a long time to feel anything. I could tell people around me were beginning to feel the effects. Eventually I started to feel the nausea * and thought the good part would start soon. But it never did. Cat told me "welcome it and open up and allow it to spread out through my body" *. (because thats exactly what you want to do with nausea...spread it!) I couldn't do any of the things I normally do to cope with the nausea * mostly lay down and use hypnosis. By 11 pm I realized I probably didn't eat enough of it and that I was in for a long night of waiting.

Getting Well

When people throw up from the peyote they just lean over and vomit right in front of them. Some guy comes over with a shovel full of dirt, puts it on the vomit, and then shovels it up and takes it outside. They call it "getting well". I was like - you're kidding right? You eat poison....and then when you throw it up and you call it "getting well"!? But I"m just being sarcastic, I know what they mean on an esoteric level. The "medicine" is helping you purge bad things from your body. So there were people puking getting well every once in a while or going outside to puke get well into a hole that was dug for that purpose. Somehow I could hear the heaving and the splash sounds * as it hit the dirt even through the drumming and chanting.

Everyone was getting high on the chanting but I had no idea what was being said. They passed around the peyote again. I accidentally poured too much of the tea because I couldn't see into the cup. It was the dregs. After a sip my body said no way no more. I turned to Cat and said I couldn't finish it. She said I had to in a way that brooked no argument. * Somehow I did. I didn't take anymore powder or buttons.

At 1am I went out to pee just to get a break. I felt SO much better outside. My eyes stop streaming, my headache eased. We were supposed to be praying in there. I hadn't managed two thoughts together the whole night let alone a prayer. Outside I could finally formulate the evenings intention in my head and enjoy the chanting and send that prayer off mindfully. After a few minutes people came looking for me one after another * telling me I was only supposed to go out for 4 songs (each person who chanted sings 4 songs 4 times). I resigned myself to going back in *. Imagine the walk of someone returning to their jail cell - that was me.

More time passed. I had begun checking my phone for the time very clandestinely starting at around 11pm. I was doing well coping at first but I swear to the gods it took an hour to go from 2am to 2:06am *. It was then that I began to lose it. I was getting angry. I wanted out. I have a tendency to put myself in or allow myself to be brought in to situations that make me miserable. I just do it. I do it for the other person, or because it would be rude or wrong to leave or bail. I just do it and I'm miserable but I am there for someone else so I stay. There was no reason for me to continue putting myself through this. I wasn't experiencing anything remotely positive. I was certainly not helping with the prayers etc. I sort of heard my mother in my head. If I called her now and told her what was going on what would she say? She would say "who gives a shit about these people GET OUT" and I realized that that was what I needed to do. (THAT was my big revelation)

I crawled over to Mary and told her what I was feeling and she (was so high) said that it was the medicine making me feel that way * and that I should give what I was feeling to the fire *. Those get asterisks because it was like being a sane person in an asylum and trying to make someone understand that you're really not supposed to be there and then they inform you that there are no exits and cackle as they run down the fluorescent lit hallway smearing their poop on the walls. She asked what I was panicking from and I didn't at that point have the self understanding that it was because I felt trapped. She said it was "just like a birth". The long hard slog up to the end that makes it all worth it and we were still in the slog. I said - I can do a birth. I have a purpose. I am caring for someone else and I"m not so completely physically miserable. I crawled back to my spot and I started to cry in earnest. I had been using my shawl to block some of the heat and smoke from my eyes and I just hid behind it and rocked back and forth like a crazy person to comfort myself. Now a resident of the asylum.

Mary crawled to me a little bit later and said that soon we would be doing the water ceremony and to please stay and take water with them and that then she would ask the medicine woman to "cedar" me and I could go out.

The Liberation

I clung to that promise like a lifeline. The water went around which did actually help a great deal and instantly. Unfortunately the effects were very short lived (liken it to drinking Podling essence instead of Gelfling essence) .

I thought my liberation was coming soon. Then the medicine woman began to talk. She talked FOR AN HOUR. *. I got increasingly angry and pathetic in turns. I was trying so hard to stay and be respectful and not be a burden on Mary or offend the really amazing and sincere medicine woman who they flew in from Mexico just for this teepee. I just wanted to remove myself from the situation. She talked about all these great universal things that I'm sure I needed to hear but I had no ability to really take it in.

Finally she was done talking and they were about to pass the peyote again and Mary looked at me and I guess she could see it in my face but she told the medicine woman I needed out. I quickly shoved my backpack out under the tent wall which Cat didn't notice. I tried to shove my coat out to but she stopped me and told me to take it with me (some hooey about the energy oye!) I had to walk around the whole tent in my walk of shame to get out.

There are rules about when and where and in which direction you can walk depending on what is going on but they seem to countermand each other so often I couldn't make sense of which thing took precedence. In witchcraft we have something similar but WAY easier and certainly more consistent. I went outside. waited for them to close the teepee door and then ran around the teepee to where my bag was, grabbed it, and walked as far away from the teepee as I could get. I yanked off the voluminous skirt I was wearing (had sweatpants underneath), zipped up my coat, and pulled the hood up as it was comparatively to the hot tent - FREEZING outside. I called my husband again and again * until he picked up. I told him what was going on. I cried to him how much I wanted to come home. We looked up nearby subways but walking around the south bronx at 3:30am by my little, white, female, self was ill advised. I walked around the perimeter of the gated park trying to find a way out but everything was locked up. They locked us inside for our own protection and wouldn't open them until morning. (I later found out that the fire keeper had a key! but they wouldn't have given someone medicine and then let them out anyway no matter how completely sober I felt) I was freaking out. Caged animal. Trying to get through the gates, pulling on the bottoms of the chain link fence sections hoping one was loose enough to crawl under. I couldn't climb over because I was wearing Ugg type shoes and couldn't get any purchase in the chain link without taking them off. I was so desperate to get out of there but didn't want to hurt my feet climbing over or rip my coat shimmying under. Thats how I knew I was calming down too. Was that I was ruling these things out. Had I been really nuts (or been being chased by zombies or something) I wouldn't have cared what I ripped or injured. I stayed on the phone or texted with my husband for a half an hour or so. He was going to be there at 8:30am (when I was told the gates would be unlocked) to pick me up. A promise that was keeping me calm.

I read by the light of the streetlamps but couldn't concentrate and then used my hypnosis techniques to calm me into resting. Just when I started to nod off Mary came out to check on me. this was about 5:30 she still insisted it was the medicine. I insisted I was stone cold sober. It was then she told me they had a key but that she wouldn't want me to go because of the peyote. She said it would be over in an hour at 6:30. Just as I began to relax (and shiver) again the lady with the nice skirt and the voice of a doll came out to encourage me back in side * . I immediately felt the panic rise again and said no thank you.

I called my husband to tell him he didn't need to come. I knew I was being ridiculous. I was still nauseated. It came in waves. I spent 15 minutes literally hugging a willow tree and talking to it which actually helped me greatly. And no, that was not from the peyote either. It didn't talk back. I often talk to trees. I hid behind the willow from the other people when they would come out because I didn't want anyone to talk to me.

As the sun came up I was able to read for a bit but my shivering was getting out of control so I got up and found some plastic bags people had littered and wandered around the park picking up trash. Around 7:30 (an hour later than they said!) they opened the teepee door when I was nearby and began asking me to come in for the closing. I really didn't want to go. I was perfectly happy picking up trash. Finally the message came that it was the medicine woman asking me to come in to finish what I'd started etc. She's the sort of person you don't say no to. Not because she is frightening but because she is so good and grandmotherly (though she's not old enough to be one) and connected to spirit and joy. So I went back in and she made me feel welcome and thanked me for coming back.

They passed around some icey cold corn, fruit, and meat which we took in our hands and scarfed down. Everyone thanked everyone in a "little league "good game good game good game" sort of way which I felt completely underserving to be a part of and we went out. I grabbed my and Mary's stuff and hauled it all to the car.

The medicine woman stopped me on my last trip and looked at me and said "you just wanted to support Mary, you are a good friend. I remember my first teepee, it is hard I know" and hugged me which made me cry a little. I went to Mary's car, locked myself inside and fell asleep.

The Aftermath

It has taken me a couple of days to figure it out but I've got two things now.

• The peyote did talk to me. It had been talking to me all week. It was telling me not to go. I was ignoring it. Listen to my gut.
• That I need to stop torturing myself for other people's comfort. Speak up for myself.

Mary said people often see patterns and turn them into amazing beadwork. I see stuff like this during my meditations and path workings. No peyote necessary. I think I"ll stick with that.