Penises and Assholes

The following is a Facebook post I wrote many months ago on a Facebook thread where a soon to be mother was asking questions about circumcision. It was written in response to a Jewish mother who was arguing in defense of circumcision or more specifically Brit Milah the name for the traditional Jewish ceremony (en-Jew-ification has a nice ring though don't ya think?) wherein newborn male babies are officially brought into the fold.... by sacrificing one of their folds.

all your foreskin belong to us

The Jewish mother was upset because another poster had responded calling circumcision mutilation and she was deeply offended on behalf of her faith and this sacred right of Brit Milah - or what people who don't hate babies, and men, and penises, and themselves call Male Genital Mutilation.

Before I get into it let me say that I know people who have, for one of the reasons I argue below or another, circumcised their sons and they live with the regret every day. You KNOW this is not for you. I love you and your children and I feel for you. I keep myself educated and continually put myself in the crosshairs of this argument because I don't want any other parent to feel what you are feeling. 

With every year that goes by and every new horrific study that comes out I become more militant in my desire to eradicate this sick twisted idea. I am less lenient, less understanding of other peoples viewpoints, less considerate of their feelings on this matter. BECAUSE THERE IS NO OTHER SIDE! You are either FOR cutting off baby parts or you are AGAINST it. You are either a protector of bodily integrity OR you're an asshole. There is no argument, no middle ground. The ONLY reason I would ever agree that cutting off a part of your body is a good idea is to save your life or drastically improve the quality of it. Think gangrene. Think diabetic necrosis. Or whatever the hell this guy had. 

So below is what I wrote to her. I have edited it with more current information and links and (I hope) funny things for the sake of this blog post. The reason I am turning it into a blog post is entirely selfish. It is because I am still confronted with this argument quite regularly and I am tired of typing the same things over and over. Now it will be in one handy link. 


So much to say....

I was going to apologize now for any course language I may use or any offense I may cause but I'm not going to because if you're offended then good. It means you have doubt about your actions and where there is doubt there is the chance that you could change your mind.  Someone taking offense to this is awesome. I will gladly take offense on behalf of your circumcised children. I have had this argument so many times I can't believe I am still having it. Like the 200th time you ask your child not to jump on the couch. And people continue to do it with the same carelessness of a child.  I just don't have it in me to even pretend to be polite toward people who defend circumcision anymore.

Add Don't I look like a good little
Jewish girl on the day of her bat mitzvah.
All decked out in her early 90's finery
and bad bangs in front of the ark.
with my prayer book. What you can't see
is the Witch's bible I hid underneath.

The Jewish Argument

I was raised Jewish and identify culturally as Jewish the way other people say they're Italian or Irish. As the birth of my son approached I did a great deal of research when faced with this decision not because I was conflicted but because I needed to be armed with knowledge to use in my defense to my family.

Circumcision is UNARGUABLY MUTILATION whether a sadistic (re: asshole) god commands it in an outdated book or not. If you did it to a girl, an adult, or an animal people would be horrified and laws would be passed to protect them and yet the tradition continues. In the detailed research I did which included talking with two rabbis as well as reading multiple translations (see bottom) of the portions of the texts which discuss it I learned several things. 

1) the words in the original covenant  indicate "nicking" the foreskin. NOT removing it. The goal was to release a droplet of blood as a sacrifice of sorts or as a rabbi from the middle ages claimed - to cause bodily pain. Welcome to the earth little one, you're a Jew, its time you start SUFFERING! Really feel it. Stew in it little asshole. Don't let it go. Carry it with you throughout the generations and pass it on to your children. Never forget the SUFFERING!

2) any child born of a Jewish woman is Jewish according to Jewish law. Nothing else is needed. If there was then females wouldn't be Jewish. End of story.

3) the laws disallowing any changes to ones body ie: the big taboo against tattoos... Because we were created in gods perfect image....so, no tattoos, no piercings, no hair dye or makeup, (tell that to the orthodox women wearing pancake batter on their faces and mops on their heads) but go ahead, take off a chunk off a newborn, he can't stop you. 

And why on the 8th day of life? Because there are specific blood factors that we don't have in high enough percentages to prevent hemorrhage until about the 8th day! So my birth junkies one could argue that the reason America is so obsessed with vitamin K shots at birth is to give the baby an extra boost so they can get circumcised before they leave the hospital. So the vitamin K producers and the company who make the circumcision equipment are in (a very very scary) bed together. Here is a handy graph. But wait what am I talking about. We do it on the 8th day because god said so. My bad.

As far as metaphysical or spiritual reasons saying to someone that they aren't as close to god as you are because they didn't have a part of their body removed is insane. Just reread those words again and think about it. (The woman I was responding to made the argument that circumcision brought her son closer to god). If the god of Abraham required that every newborn have their index finger removed would we be so quick to do it?! I think not. And this is no different. The change to a removal of the entire foreskin was decided by some conclave of rabbis that met several hundred years ago. You know, in the dark ages. So glad we kept all the awesome ideas they had back then. Let's bring back the rack!

Jews need to stop hiding behind their religion and screaming persecution every time someone questions circumcision. There is a reason it is so often questioned. There is NO reason to be doing it! It needs to be abandoned like stoning adulteresses, and keeping slaves. One of the reasons Judaism is declining is because it teaches blind following of tradition for tradition's sake. No one ever explains the WHY of anything. Just do it. Its what we do. Perhaps not for the orthodox or the chassids but for the majority of American Jews our religion is devoid of any actual spirituality. Modern people and modern spirituality don't just do things because that is the way it has always been done. When something is the best or the right thing to do it persists throughout time. When something is no longer the best or right thing to do it needs to be abandoned not clung to against all reason, all feeling, and all evidence to the contrary. If your religion cannot stand up to challenge or questioning then it doesn't deserve to be followed. Judaism has many wonderful  qualities that should be the focus of its teachings and traditions. Not this. Circumcision goes against the core of Judaism.

The "Look Like Daddy" and "It Looks Weird" Arguments

As far as the arguments for "looking like daddy" the numbers of circumcised infants are dropping so quickly that by the time your sons are old enough to care what their penises look like they will be in the minority if they're circumcised. So they will look like daddy but not like their peers. Does it look weird to me? YES, sure, because 95% of the males who are my peers are circumcised. So all the penises I"ve seen (hey, it hasnt been THAT many) are all circumcised. It is what I am used to, nothing more.  By the time our sons are in locker rooms or engaging in sexual acts their peers will be used to seeing it both ways and I hope dearly that in the not to distant future it will be the circumcised penises that look "weird".

 My husband is looking forward to the day when my son asks why he looks different than daddy and my husband can say "when I was a baby everyone did this until we realized it was wrong and cruel and I'm glad I knew better and didn't do it to you, your penis is perfect" 

Here is a fucking interactive map showing the decline of circumcision. Even here in NY where circumcision is still funded by medicaid and we have a large catholic population, because catholics still seem to think circumcision will stop masturbation, the circumcision rate is down to %58 as of 3 years ago and falling. The national average was 33% in 2009!

The "Protection Against Disease" Argument

I am not a doctor so listen to all of these people...

http://www.doctorsopposingcircumcision.org/info/HIVStatement.html

http://www.nocirc.org/2008-07_Mothering-Fauntleroy.pdf

Video telling exactly why our quest to circumcise all of Africa is BACKFIRING  and causing more disease.

There is a whole website for doctors opposing circumcision and another 

So why keep the foreskin? What does it do?

But if you're too lazy to read that in a nutshell It contains oh...about 20,000 nerve endings. It protects the tip of the penis. It lubricates with an all natural antimicrobial antibacterial "smegma". Handy during sex, or for preventing infection. 

So this is bad

but this is ok.

Watch this video. It is a tame one. The others I have seen didn't bother with any numbing agent and the baby passed out from shock though ignorant assholes....I mean, Aunt Ethel will say not to worry he just fell asleep. After all we did give him your pinky finger covered in wine to numb him. 

 If you don't it's because you know deep down what a horror this is. A horror you perpetuated on your perfect helpless child. They TIE him down to a board. They put - if you're lucky - a little topical numbing agent (which take quite a while to be effective even topically). Then they use tools reminiscent of the spanish inquisition to remove a perfectly good and healthy part of your child's body while he screams so hard he turns red, shakes all over and passes out. 

There! that was it! That feeling you just had that made you want to cross your legs. That face of discomfort and disgust. But hey - its a baby. They won't remember right? WRONG again!

But I'm not a psychologist so here:

psychologytoday.com

and here

http://www.cirp.org/library/psych/goldman1/

and here

http://www.doctorsopposingcircumcision.org/DOC/statement06.html

There are so so so many more links and studies. But I am done for today. And really, any Jewish girl can tell you - Jewish boys remember. Oh boy do they remember.  


Don't try this at home. I'm allowed. I have the Jew card.

This tradition is just that, a tradition. One that needs to fall into the fog of history with other things we look back on with embarrassment like foot binding, thalidomide, child labor, and prepubescent brides. Be educated. Protect the penises. Don't be an asshole.

wikipedia article on Brit Milah

one version of one mention of it in the torah you will notice three things. 1) god repeats himself a lot....kind of like talking to a toddler, 2) the word circumcision sticks out like a sore thumb being invented 2000 years or so after the torah was written and 3) we are instructed to circumcise our sons in the same sentence that we are told to circumcise the other humans we bought.

Yes, it does make the penis less sensitive study

History of Circumcision Slide Show....I shit you not.

Everything you ever wanted to know about your penis

YouTube video

Jewish Circumcision organization

Jews Against Circumcision check out the section under the "Jewish" tab.

Beyond the Bris Jewish organization with many wonderful pieces written by families and rabbis faced with this issue.

NoCirc.org

I NEED people to VALIDATE my CHOICES as a parent!

That title is not about me.

I don't give a shit what you think about my parenting choices. (well, thats a work in progress really but thats what I aim for and I'm doing pretty well)

A couple of friends who I love and admire and have lovely children have apparently been upset by this article. I appreciated the British Nanny's perspective because to me it was even handed and reasonable. Their upset was shared by a mother who wrote a response to the Nanny article. In my opinion the author is 1) totally missing the point, 2) inventing new ones that were never intended and then 3) blowing them out of proportion. An awesome combination!

Poofskichuuaooooooor!!!!

The author makes a great deal of assumptions and is nitpicking the original article to make it sound ridiculous. Which of course she would do because it helps her sound reasonable. 

And she doesn't. 

She sounds like 50 other other articles written by mothers who have made keeping little Susie or Johnny "happy" their main goal in life and does everything in their power to make sure nothing ever upsets them. I am highly emotionally connected to my children and them to me. It doesn't mean I let them walk all over me. You think you're children don't? Well since you're so interested in having your parenting publicly validated allow me...as one of the public...to tell you - they are!

The original nanny article expounded on five points which the irritated mom article found fault and drew extreme conclusions from.

• We are afraid of our kids
• We've lowered the bar for their behavior
• We've lost the village of people who could keep them in check
• We rely too much on shortcuts
• We put kid's needs in front of our own

How many people do you know who are raising little terrorists. Little dictators. Yes the onesie was cute. Its not so cute anymore. We do expect less of children. Think about in times past when children worked at 6 years old. Were taught to hunt or farm or make bullet casings (thanks Shindler's List). I'm NOT saying those were good times or that we should revisit them. I'm pointing it out because that is what children are capable of. And you're telling me that if you yell or say NO or "BECAUSE I SAID SO" at little Johnny because he feels strongly that he NEEDS ALL OF THE STRAWBERRIES RIGHT NOW that you are causing life long damage and perpetuating the creation of a cruel horrible world? If you think my analogy is ridiculous and extreme understand that that is how ridiculous the mom author's analogies are to me.

I'm tired of parents parenting to heal their own wounds! It was 30 years ago! get over it! You won't make that same mistake - rest assured - you'll find new and better ways to fuck up your kids! In fact our generation is a walking study of how outside influences cannot "make" us happy. We were raised by the most selfish self-serving generation - ever (though I have not spoken with anyone responsible for the downfall of the roman empire I'm pretty sure it started with hippies too). If they couldn't make us be happy, no one can.

For the sake of argument and to continue with both authors obvious favorite (and silly) metaphor - I let my toddlers pick their own sippy cups and now at nearly 6 and 8 they still go into hysterics when they don't get the one they want. They did't gradually learn to manage their feelings they learned they can get what they want if they parrot back the words I said to them. (I've been present while so many kids do this to their parents and their parents fall for it every fucking time and think their kid gets it. Sure, he gets it. He gets to play you sucker!)

Notice I didn't say my kids "get what they want if they throw a tantrum", because in my house that gets you nothing but time to calm down and then have a talk. If that doesn't work you get angry mommy and time staring at the wall while mommy calms down. The talk is NOT about why they wanted the thing they wanted or how it made them feel to be denied the thing they wanted or how it made mommy feel when they screamed and cried.  

Yes children are sponges but they are also resilient and stronger than we think. 2yos cannot understand sympathy. You can't reason with them. They don't understand respect or boundaries. Even if you model it for them 1000 times. They may copy but they don't understand.

We've instituted the old camp special "you get what you get and you don't get upset". They get choice where I can offer it and no choice when it suits my needs as a parent and that is just the way it is....kind of like real life. Sometimes there is choice and sometimes those shoes only come in black. No amount of crying, wishing, patience, or non-violent communication skills will make them come in red. 

Theres no place like happy hour. 

I am gentle and permissive where I can be and stern and strict where I must be. My line for where that is is of course going to be different than everyone else's but (and this is key) the combination of parent/kid/parenting style is why I CAN go to public places without meltdowns. I CAN eat out with my kids without tantrums or iPads. Its not because I've got "amazing kids" (although I do happen to have amazing kids) or because I have some mystical parenting magic. I just parent by one rule...

Don't be an asshole! 

That goes for them and me. If you're going to persist in acting like an asshole then I am going to come down on you like a ton of bricks because that shit is NOT ok. Millions of children before you learned that at 4 or 5 or 6 and so can you.

Fly my darlings, be creative, and brilliant, and wonder at the world, and love all the creatures in it....just don't be an asshole! What I have experienced a whole lot from families who parent similarly to this author is a lot of little assholes. I am fearful of a future where my children, as adults, are surrounded by a generation that feels entitled to that (insert adult version of a sippy cup here). They will try to walk all over my children - who I am trying to raise to be fair and equitable for the benefit of all (because thats easy to explain) But how can that compete with children who are being raised to believe that their momentary desires are of paramount importance. That their feelings trump facts. That they're "special". (Sorry Susie, we're all special). 

And before any of my friends who may read this think I"m talking about about them and their precious angels and get their panties in a bunch know this: I am.

Nah I"m just kidding. I have a tendency to not keep my thoughts to myself so you'd know if I felt this way about your kids by our lack of....hanging out with your kids - ever. 

Seriously people. All this back and forth mommy wars stuff is like high school.

Your desperate need to for public validation is proof that you are afraid you're doing something wrong. If you were sure of yourself you wouldn't constantly seek agreement from others or continue to get in such an uproar any time someone puts forth an idea that is different from yours. Stop it! If you're so certain you're doing the right thing stop trying to prove its the right thing! Own that shit!

If you still need validation I'm pretty sure I've got a trophy for participation around here somewhere.